True-isms About The Boss – Good Jokes

May 20, 2007 · Print This Article

When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

When you don’t get something done, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t get something done, he’s too busy.

When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When you do it your own way, you don’t do what you were told.
When your boss does it, he’s showing creativity.

When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed.
When your boss takes a stand, he’s being firm.

When you violate a rule, you’re self-centered.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.

When you please your boss, you’re brown-nosing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.

When you help a peer, you’re not busy enough.
When your boss does it, he’s a team player.

When someone else does your work, you’re passing the buck.
When someone else does his work, he’s assigning responsibility.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your bosses out of the office, he’s on business.

When you call in sick, you’re going golfing.
When your boss calls in sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.

When you’re seen shopping during work hours, you’re a slacker.
When your boss is doing the same, he’s picking up office supplies.

When you do a good job, you get a pat on the back.
When he does a good job, he gets a bonus.

When you get a raise, you’re lucky.
When he gets one, he really earned it.

Managers Say the Darndest Things…

A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert Quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr. Electric Boat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)

6. Quote from the boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what ‘I’ say.” (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)

7. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

8. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Long Lines Division)

9. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

10. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)


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