Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work:

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE:A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when
passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
“The real farter” at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one
likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several
farts slip out at a machine gun’s pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic, remain in the
stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the
awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of
the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed
location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk-up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY
FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of
it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with
a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for
the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group
can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and
identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN:A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:A pooper who does not realize that you’re in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid
all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know to cause
premature pinch~age, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the
middle.

CAMO-COUGH:A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to
alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with
an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately
so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:A turd that creates a loud “SPLASH” when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH
with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE JOHNNY:A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An UNCLE JOHNNY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to drop your load when (You believe) the bathroom is
empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY:The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check
for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.