Fart Jokes

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn’t help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn’t hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn’t stop, he was one day going to “fart his guts out”. The years went by, the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about “farting his guts out”. Until one Christmas morning, the wife awoke and had gone downstairs to prepare the family breakfast before everyone else got up. After getting breakfast ready she started thinking about what all she was going to fix for the Christmas Dinner. There would be pies, cakes, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. It was going to be a long day and a lot to prepare so she started to get things ready for the big meal. While she was taking out the turkey’s innards, a thought occurred to her as how she might solve her husband’s problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey innards in a bowl and quietly went upstairs before her flatulent husband awoke. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled down her husband’s boxer shorts. She then placed all of the turkey innards into her husband’s underwear, pulled them up again, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. About an hour later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps of her husband running to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, “honey, you were right – all those years you warned me and I didn’t listen to you!” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got’em all back in.”