The Jokes of Steven Wright

May 20, 2007 · Print This Article

1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there…

4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

6. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

7. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, “The whole time.”

8. So what’s the speed of dark?

9. How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?

10. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

11. Why don’t they just make mouse-flavoured cat food?

12. If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

13. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

14. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

15. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the special Olympics?

16. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

17. When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.

18. If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

19. Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

20. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

21. Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

23. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

24. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

25. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

26. Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? shouldn’t they be called builts?

27. Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

28. Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

29.If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

30. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

31. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

32. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

33. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

34. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

35. Do fish get cramps after eating?

36. Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

37. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?


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