Quotes from the Montreal comedy festival

May 20, 2007 · Print This Article

Quotes from the Montreal comedy festival

“I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know.”
—–Franck Dubosc

“I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.”
—–Gary Valentine

“What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse.’”
—–Francois Morency

“The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you’ve got millions of pals out there. Type in ‘Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire’ and the computer will say, ‘Specify type of goat.’”
—–Rich Jeni

“Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.”
—–Tim Steeves

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
—–Jimmy Shubert

“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane : Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.”
—–Rich Jeni

“I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn’t enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec.”
—–Marta Chaves

(On American broadcasters’ decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow) “Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn’t contrast enough. That’s funny, because Americans don’t usually have trouble distinguishing black from white.”
—–Tim Steeves

(On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles) “Who the hell’s got pickle questions?”
—–Tim Steeves

“What’s with squeegee kids? I mean, they don’t really wash the windshield, do they? They simply redistribute the dirt.”
—–Ken Scott

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is.”
—–Lenny Clarke

“I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their houses have wheels.”
—–Carlos Mencia

“The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I’ve dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him.”
—–Rich Jeni

“Montreal’s not a city. It’s a Disney World for alcoholics.”
—–Mike Wilmot

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”
—–Rich Jeni

“Things you’ll never hear a woman say : ‘My, what an attractive scrotum!’”
—–Jeff Green

“What’s with the warning ‘May contain some nudity?’ Well, I have to know for sure.”
—–Tim Steeves

“And then there’s the diner who asks if the fish at a restaurant is fresh. What are they going to tell you? ‘No, it’s four days old and stinks to high heaven.’”
—–Jean-Marie Bigard

“In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you’re a Mexican. In Florida, you’re a Cuban. In New York, you’re a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I’m an Eskimo.”
—–Carlos Mencia

“Why do people suck in their stomachs in when they weigh themselves? So they can see the scale.”
—–Marta Chaves

“I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.”
—–Emo Philips

“My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head.” I saw my president get head.”
—–Elon Gold

“I’m the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario. – after Shania Twain. That’s like being the second-most-famous person from Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem.”
—–Derek Edwards

“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.”
—–Kevin James

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
—–Rich Jeni

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