June 20, 2007 · Print This Article

You ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.
After removing the empty beer cans from your car, you find that it gets fifteen more miles to the gallon.
You know which leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
Anyone in your family died right after saying “Hey, Y’all watch this!”.
Your two year old has more teeth than you do.
Your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.
You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don’t drink.
You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over.
You drink gas because you found out you can run two and a half miles per hour faster.
You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
You wonder why there isn’t a hairstyle called “The Hat Line.”
You send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk.
Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin’ dogs.
The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they’re only twenty years old.
You go swimming in the drainage ditch behind your house.
You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar.
You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
Your only tie is made of leather, silver and turquoise.
You think doctorin’ involves mamma’s sewing kit and a jug.
You’ve ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
You’ve ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.
You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table.
The strongest smell in your house is butane.
Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
You think paprika is a Third World country.
You ask the preacher, “How’s it hanging?”
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
You think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk.
Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”
Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.
Rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you “bring your own.”
You judge a trips’ drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.

You refer to the duct tape on your car as “chrome”.
Your truck stalled on the expressway. And you never went back for it.
You wish your outhouse were as nice as those at the state park.
The family business needs a lookout.
You’ve painted a car with house paint.
You think the stock market is a place to buy hogs.


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