October 20, 2007 · Print This Article

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position
right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to
cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with
left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold
mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore
low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new
ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from heart h and
set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below
armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down
drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in
cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert
spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch
bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for
date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil

13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it Hold head vertically and pour
2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if
they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.


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