Italian cruise ship goes down faster than these one liners…

February 13, 2012

Good One Liners for you to tell…

Costa Concordia cruise ship was asked if they knew where they were headed just before they sank… in reply the captain may have said…
–> “off course.”

How is liquor served on an Italian cruise?
–> On the Rocks

What side dish does your dinner come with on an Italian cruise?
–> Leeks

How do you find the fastest exit on an Italian cruise?
–> Follow the captain

The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy
–> Since Berlusconi’s last hooker.

What’s the difference between the Italian economy and the Cruise Ship Costa Concordia?
–> Not a thing – The bottom dropped out of both.

BADUMCHA…

Aviator Jokes

February 6, 2012

THE LONG WAIT

Radio call from an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
“I’m f-ing bored!” Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!” Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f-ing bored, not f-ing stupid!”

CLEARED FOR TAKEOFF

Tower: “Eastern 234, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.6″

Eastern 234: “Tower, Eastern 234 to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

Tower: “Continental 432, you are cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 234, contact Departure on frequency 124.6… Did you copy that report from Eastern 234?”

BR Continental 432: “Continental 432, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern 234; . . . we’ve already notified our caterers.”

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GRANDMA AND GRANDPA

February 6, 2012

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

Just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn’t feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

‘Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?’

‘Oh yes, PaPa’ the girl replied, ‘and do you know what? We didn’t see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit-head anywhere we went today!’

He Got Schooled

January 25, 2012

In the world of ever increasing email communication, I’ve noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capital letters. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following funny statement:

“Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack

off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.”

As a former grammar teacher in the 1960’s my job was to ensure that at least the Grade Eight students could write clear sentences and paragraphs. Who knew that I would be preparing them to avoid unintentionally telling funny jokes? Bolded above is a prime example of how a simple statement is turned into a puerile snicker

Terror Alerts Raised…

February 1, 2011

The Brits are feeling the pinch of recent terrorist threats and raised their level of security from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” The levels of security may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English haven’t been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their level of threat from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards” They don’t have any other levels. That’s the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday they have raised their terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!”. Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.

Australia, meanwhile, raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!’, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

This was written by John Cleese… really funny good joke

A Moment of Silence

January 28, 2011

Today we remember the greatest icon in entertainment. At seventy one, The Pillsbury Doughboy passed on of a yeast infection combined with trauma from repeated belly poking.

P. Doughdy as he was known by his close personal friends, was laid to rest in a lightly greased coffin. Celebrities from all walks of life came out to pay respects, including; Betty Crocker, Hungry
Jack, Mrs. Buttersworth, Oh’ Henry, the Twinkies and of course his long standing acquaintance Captain Crunch. Pictures showed his grave piled high with flours…

Aunty Jemima gave the eulogy. describing him as a man who kneaded people as much as they kneaded him. His rise in show business came quickly, but his later years were filled with turnovers. Many considered him to be a smart cookie, but noticed that he spent much of his hard earned dough on half-baked investments. Despite his flakiness at times, doughboy worked hard not to
become a crusty old man, but rather stay as a roll model for the next generation.

Doughboy’s wife Play Dough and their children Jane, John and Dosey have vowed they will fill his shoes and work hard to take his place in the oven. His father, Pop Tart was not available for comment.

The public funeral is being held at three fifty and should last for about twenty minutes.

Let us all rise to the occasion of blessing our Icon, Pilsburry Doughboy. May you bask in the warmth and glory of the eternal oven.

Quick Hints for Those Above 60

January 21, 2011

Q: What can a husband do while his wife is struggling through menopause?
A: Keep yourself busy. If you’re handy with tools, finish the basement. When you’re done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is it true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt ……”

Q: Seriously, what can I do for the Crow’s feet and wrinkles on my face?
A: Go bra-less. It will usually pull them out.

How River Dance Started

January 19, 2011

This video is so funny… It’s one of those that builds and gets better as you watch it… really creative use of dance…

Dunno what they call it? Potty Dance?

The Shrinks Observations

January 18, 2011

A shrink is conducting group therapy with three young mothers and their small children.

“You all have obsessions,” he observes.

He speaks to the first mother “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turns to the second mom “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

The third mother quickly gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on Dick, let’s get outta here.”

NASA Space Pen

January 16, 2011

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

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