BLACK TESTICLES – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. ‘Nurse’, he mumbles almost incoherently, from behind the mask. ‘Are my testicles black?’

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’ He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?’

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!’

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely…….

A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k ?

WORK OR PLEASURE – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

The Captain of a Canadian Ship in Esquimalt was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was ‘work’ and how much of it was ‘pleasure?’ The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Lieutenant (N) said it was 50-50%. The Captain’s Aide, a Sub Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Lieutenant turned to the Leading Seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? With no hesitation, the young Leading Seaman responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”

The Lieutenant was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?!?

“Well, Sir,” began the Leading Seaman, “if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

The room fell silent.

God Bless the Canadian Navy.

FLY IN THE TOILET – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

Went to the men’s room in the Schiphol Airport (Netherlands) when we got to Amsterdam, I saw the fly and didn’t think much about it. Now I know why it was there!

Who says you can’t potty train a man?

When you have a “I Hate My Job” day, try this:

February 15, 2008

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. ”

Now, close your eyes and repeat to yourself, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson”.

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!

RABBIT AND SNAKE RACE – Funny Jokes

February 15, 2008

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection.

They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth.

The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity.

He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.

The rabbit declared that he had the same problem.

Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.

After a few moments, he announced, “Youve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!”

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake.

After feeling about the snakes body for a few minutes, he asserted,

“Well, youre scaly, youre slimy, youve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and youve got a forked tongue.

I think youre a lawyer!”

BAD SNACK – Funny Jokes

February 15, 2008

Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia.

Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him.

The startled front tiger turned and said, “Cut it out.”

The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.

About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, “I said stop it.”

The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.

Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue.

The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily growling, “What is it with you?”

The rear tiger replied, “Im sorry — I really didnt mean to offend you.

But I just ate a lawyer and Im trying to get the taste out of my mouth!”

LAWYER ON VACATION – Funny Jokes

February 15, 2008

Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters?

He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help.

As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins — great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer.

To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore.

When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat.

The lawyer answered,

“Professional courtesy.”

BEST JOB AT THE CIRCUS – Funny Jokes

February 15, 2008

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up.

One is a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, “Im not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.

He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or youre history.

Heres your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “Ill go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lions cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles.

He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owners mouth is on the floor.

He says, “Ive never seen a display like that in my life.”

He then turns to the young man and asks, “Can you top that?”

The young man replies. “No problem, just get that lion the hell out of the way.”

A MAN, A DOG, AND THE 2021 – Funny Jokes

February 15, 2008

There is a story about the data centre of the year 2021.

This data centre runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog.

The mans job is to feed the rottweiler.

The rottweilers job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.

THE SPOON – Funny Jokes

February 13, 2008

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, “Steves Place,” and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his; shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, “Why the spoon?”

“Well, “he explained, “the restaurants owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. “Ill get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiters fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I dont know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

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