Parliamentary Cynicism

January 21, 2011

One morning a florist went to visit his local barbor. After his haircut, he went to pay, but the barber said ‘I’m doing community service this week and can’t accept your money’ The florist was happy and left the barbershop. The next morning the barber opened his door and there was a ‘thank you’ card with a dozen roses waiting for him.

Later that day, a police officer drops in for a haircut. When he tries to pay, the barber says, ‘I’m doing community service this week and can’t accept your money’ The officer is happy and leaves the shop. When the barber opens his shop the next morning, a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts were behind the door waiting for him.

That same day a Member of Parliament comes in for his haircut. When he asks to pay, the barber again says, ‘I’m doing community service this week and can’t accept your money’ The MP is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning, when the barbershop opens, a dozen Members of Parliament are waiting for a free haircut.

The moral of our story… Politicians and diapers need to be changed often and for the same reason…

The Stress Laugh – FUnny Jokes

March 31, 2008

This has got to be one of the FUNNIEST freakin videos out there… Recently my father sent me a paper he did on stress management in the work force… I would however like to end off that paper with the following…

All the best to my father… hahaha what a laugh this guys has… must be in the yoga.

30 Things Stressed Women Might want to Say At Work – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.

2. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren’t we a damn ray of sunshine!

5. Don’t bother me; I’m living happily every after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn’t an office…it’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don’t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

11. I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t gone to sleep yet!

16. Back off! Youre standing in my aura.

17. Don’t worry…I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like shit. Is that they style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?

26. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

30. Look in my eyes…Do you see one ounce of “gives-a-shit?”

Management Decision – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

The boss was in a quandry. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Katie or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Katie came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went straight to the water cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, “Katie, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.”

“I’d rather you jack off,” she replied. “I really feel like shit this morning!”

Texas Deputy vs. New York Lawyer – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy.

He thinks he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and he is certain that he is better educated than any cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and to have some fun at the Texas deputy’s expense!!

Deputy says: “License and Registration please.”

Lawyer says: “What for?”

Deputy says: “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

Lawyer says: “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Deputy says: “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says: “What’s the difference?”

Deputy says: “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration please!”

Lawyer says: “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Deputy says: “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, please Sir.”

The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it and then says, “Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”

THE SCOREBOARD – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

To give you an idea of the kind of season we’ve had, the person who handled our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody noticed.

TAG TEAM – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead team were sent out to install telephone poles for the Telephone Company. After the first day, the brunette team had installed 30 poles, the redhead team had installed 37 poles, and the blonde team had installed 7. The contractor was outraged with the blonde team and demanded to know why they had done so few.

“Hey, we saw what the other teams were doing. Theirs were still sticking out of the ground.”

TWO IN ONE GRAVE – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

“Of course not, dear,” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”

“The tombstone back there said…

‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”

CROSS EXAMINATION – FUNNY JOKES

February 27, 2008

A defence attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -

it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a locker room in the police station – a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Generous lawyer – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”

The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. “or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

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