Deer Meat Eaters – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and His wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, “it’s what mommy calls me sometimes”.

The little girl screams to her brother, “Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole”.

9 TERMS WOMEN USE – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in something.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says “Thanks a lot” – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome” – - – that will bring on a “whatever”).

(8) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying “You’ll find out how I truly feel”!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

TWO WOMEN MEET IN HEAVEN – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! Im Kelly. How’d you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became soexhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer we’d both still be alive.

VALENTINE’S DAY – Funny Jokes

February 15, 2008

“We cannot really love anybody without whom we never laugh.” – Alice Reppler

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down.” – Woody Allen, Love and Death

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? – Anonymous

Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely. – Hawkeye, M.A.S.H.

Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots. – Hoosier Farmer

True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. – Erich Segal

Love wouldn’t be blind if the Braille weren’t so damned much fun. – Anonymous

Falling in love is so hard on the knees. – Aerosmith

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties. – Jules Renard

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. – Peter Ustinov

Love is a grave mental disease. Plato

“I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine’s day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning. Guys, it’s these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine. Anonymous and now dead.

I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. Anonymous

Basement smells bad. Look for cat poops, change litter. Happy Valentines Day. (note to her gardener) Martha Stewart

I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV. Tracy Smith

COW ON A GOLF COURSE – Funny Jokes

February 15, 2008

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture.

He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse.

They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up.

They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball.

He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain.

He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded.

It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball.

The helpful male golfer lifted the cows tail and asked, “Does this look like yours?”

Thats when it happened.

THE LOST WIFE – Funny Jokes

February 13, 2008

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
“Excuse me; I cant seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, “Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?”

“I have no idea, but every time I talk to a beautiful woman with breasts as lovely as yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.”

AUNT MILDRED – Funny Jokes

February 13, 2008

Ageing Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, ˜Your heart would be just below your left breast’.

Later that night . . . after checking for the spot below her left breast, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee

Thermometer – Funny Jokes

February 13, 2008

When you have a ‘I Hate My Job’ day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

‘Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized ‘.

Now, close your eyes and repeat to yourself, ‘I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.’

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!

LIFE LESSONS FROM DEAR ABBY – Funny Jokes

February 1, 2008

Read and heed !

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with “the girls” a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with “the girls.”

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

LOVE DRESS – Funny Jokes

February 1, 2008

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son’s house.

She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally
naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

‘What are you doing?’ she asked.

‘I’m waiting for Mike to come home from work,’ the daughter-in-law answered.

‘But you’re naked!’ the mother-in-law exclaimed.

‘This is my love dress,’ the daughter-in-law explained.

‘Love dress? But you’re naked!’

‘Mike loves me to wear this dress,’ she explained. ‘It excites him to no
end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and
ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.’

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed
the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch, waiting for her
husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

‘What are you doing?’ he asked.

‘This is my love dress,’ she whispered, sensually.

‘Needs ironing,’ he said. ‘What’s for dinner?

HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT………

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