Young Couple on the Beach – Funny Jokes

March 7, 2008

Sent to us from Liana, and yes, thanks Liana, it did make us laugh…. really cute joke

A healthy young couple decided they wanted to get married would do so at a beautiful warm resort on the beach in the Caribean.

All was set up for the ceremony, the guests were in there chairs slowly sinking in the sand, the groom stood by the alter with a huge smile, and the minister stood patiently alongside awaiting the arrival of the bride to be. The evening was beautiful. The waves from the ocean lapped at the shore and the sun was performing a rich warm sunset.

Then she arrived and walked proudly down the beach holding her flowers and smiling from ear to ear. When she stood in front of the minister she put down the flowers and everyone saw she was topless.

The minister stopped and advised the young woman, “I can’t marry you like that, its not right.”

The young bride looked him in the eye and said, “yes you can, I have a divine right.”

The minister responded by saying; “yes you have a divine right, and you also have a divine left, but I can’t marry you dressed like that.”

30 Things Stressed Women Might want to Say At Work – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.

2. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren’t we a damn ray of sunshine!

5. Don’t bother me; I’m living happily every after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn’t an office…it’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don’t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

11. I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t gone to sleep yet!

16. Back off! Youre standing in my aura.

17. Don’t worry…I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like shit. Is that they style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?

26. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

30. Look in my eyes…Do you see one ounce of “gives-a-shit?”

Testicles – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

“Mom,” he asked, “are these my brains?”

“Not yet,” replied his mother.

Bad cuckoo clock – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!!

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!”

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall stared up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed….3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos… (MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him “Midnight.”

He didn’t seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, “I think we need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked him why?, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh shit!”, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

Three Daughters – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn’t afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said “We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married”.

So they got married and all three daughters then said “I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it”. The parents couldn’t afford it either so they decided they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and decided to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she just ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and decided to ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter “Why were you screaming? And the daughter replied “Well mother you told me to scream when something hurt.”

Then the mother said to the second daughter “Why were you laughing last night?” and the daughter replied “Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled”.

Then the mother said to the last daughter “Why didn’t I hear anything coming from your room last night?” and the daughter replied “Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full”.

THE PRICE YOU PAY FOR BEING GOOD – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, “However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven”.

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, “I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her”. So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, “I cheated on my wife a little but I still love her.” He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, “I cheated on my wife a lot”. He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, “Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!” and the man sobbed, “My wife just went by on roller skates”.

20 DOLLARS – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.

He says “Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me”.

His friend says “Don’t worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill”.

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

“You reek of alcohol and you’ve thrown up all over yourself, my God you’re disgusting” .

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, “Wait. It’s not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He’d obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn’t hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket.”

She looks in his breast pocket and says, “But this is forty dollars”.

“Ah, yes.” says the man. “He peed in my trousers too”.

TRIP TO ROME – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. Thats a terrible airline.

Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”

“Don’t go any further I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they’re overpriced.” “So, whatcha’ doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.” “Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.”

And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.

They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!

I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh, really! What’d he say?

He said: “Where’d you get that shitty Hairdo?”

SURGERY – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

The pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, “Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim and the wire wrapping he has.

She continued, “Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor’s say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

`All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “Good morning, I’m Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is – - – S-T-E-R-N-U-M.”

Men are like – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free, here’s an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders. You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials. You can’t believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Next Page »