85 years of age – Funny Jokes

November 5, 2007

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their
Wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is
Concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they
spendThe entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the
Expected ‘knock’ on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door
Opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and
She prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door,
And it’s Roger. Again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat surprised,
Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger
Kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it – Roger is
Back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready
For more ‘action’. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am
Thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and
so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who
were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.’

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ‘You mean I was
Here already?’
The moral of the story: Don’t be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer’s
Has its advantages

SWEET MEMORY – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home
Park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for

a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.

These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. “Yes, Yes, I will.”

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”

He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.

Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”

He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”

Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”

IT TAKES LONGER WHEN YOU ARE OLD – Funny Jokes

June 11, 2007

This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests. “Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test,” the doctor said.
The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked, “Are you alright?”

“No” the old man said. “This just isn’t going to work.” he dejectedly explained. “There’s no hope for me, I’ve worn out my left hand, I’ve worn out my right hand, I’ve run cold water over it, and I’ve run hot water over it. I’ve even thumped it on the edge of the sink. But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!”

MEDICAL MIRACLE – Funny Jokes

June 11, 2007

A 65-year-old woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months together, the woman wasn’t feeling well and she went to her doctor. The doctor examined and said, “Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you’re going to be a mother.”
“Get serious doctor, I’m 65.”

“I know,” said the doctor, “This morning, I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle.”

“I’ll be darned,” she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband. “Hello” she heard in his familiar halting voice. She screamed, “You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!”

There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, “Who’s calling please?”

MARRIAGE ARRANGEMENTS – Funny Jokes

June 8, 2007

On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband. “Since we’re married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don’t want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex.” “Okay sweetheart,” the groom replied. “Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don’t want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn’t matter.”

Encyclopedia – Wife Joke

May 22, 2007

FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

RELATIONSHIP ARITHMETIC

May 22, 2007

Smart man + smart woman = romance. Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage. Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit. Smart boss +
dumb employee = production. Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will
pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future
until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he
gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
ittle. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not
try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two
people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A
man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before
marriage and after marriage.

Husband 1.0

May 22, 2007

To: Tech Support RE: Your program titled “Husband 1.0″

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner-Dancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3 and Opera-Ballet Night 6.1 and installs new and undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, ESPN 3.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5 Conversation 8.0 runs only intermittently and invariable crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run Diaper Changing 6.1 or Housecleaning 2.6. It will occasionally run CarWash 1.0, but only after running Nagging 5.3, and this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please?!?!?!

Signed, Jane

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about , but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely and ENTERTAINMENT package, while Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by it’s creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would only cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0 and nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and should be expected from Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of the “old time” favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0 of Husband 2.0. BEWARE: these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support.” You will notice that this program runs very poorly and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I highly recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF’s). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of the root cause. To activate this great feature, enter the command “C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.” Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and FlowersChocolate 7.8.

TECH TIP: Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPF’s. and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a VERY BAD program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this Tech Tip!

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 4.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After a few years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar to you and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A FINAL WORD OF CAUTION: DO NOT under ANY circumstances install MotherInLaw 1.0!!! This is not a supported applicaiton and will cause selective shutdown of the operation system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 8.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best in the coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Sincerely,

Tech Support

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