Golf story – Funny Jokes

June 29, 2007

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.

Woods turns to Wonder and says, “How’s the singing career going?”
Stevie Wonder replies, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?”
Woods replies, “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that going right now.”
Stevie says, “I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”

Tiger says, “You play golf?”

Wonder says, “Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.”
Woods says, “But you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?”Wonder replies, “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the next shot till I get to the green.”
“But how do you putt?” asks Woods.

“Well,” says Stevie, I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice.”

Woods asks, “What’s your handicap?”

Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”

Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”

Woods thinks it over and says, “OK, I’m for that, when would you like to play?”

Stevie says, “Pick a night.”

Redneck Engineering Exam – Funny Jokes

June 20, 2007

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum 8 inches from the trunk.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO?

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2×8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet

and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor s 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man’s land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9. A coalmine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

GATES VS. GM – Funny Jokes

May 31, 2007

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
“If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash… twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.

You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

SIGNS YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE MODERN LIVE

May 22, 2007

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards for years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you to ask:
“Do you wanna go get a Coke?”; and he replies: “Yeah, give me five mins”
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America,
but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbour yet this year.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they
are not online.
7. Your idea of being organized is multiple coloured post-it notes.
8. You hear most of your jokes via email rather than in person.
9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the
phone in a business like manner.
10. When you make phone calls from home, you automatically dial a
“9″ to get an outside line.
11. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
12. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay increase.
13. You know exactly how many days you’ve got left until you retire.
14. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
15. Being sick is defined as you can’t walk or you’re in the hospital.
16. You’re already late on the assignment you just received.
17. Your relatives and friends describe your job as “works with computers”.
18. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE…
19. You read this entire list and you keep nodding and smiling.
20. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your E-MAIL
BUDDIES.
21. It crosses your mind that your “jokes group” may have already seen
this list but you don’t have time to check so you forward it anyway.

Husband 1.0

May 22, 2007

To: Tech Support RE: Your program titled “Husband 1.0″

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner-Dancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3 and Opera-Ballet Night 6.1 and installs new and undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, ESPN 3.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5 Conversation 8.0 runs only intermittently and invariable crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run Diaper Changing 6.1 or Housecleaning 2.6. It will occasionally run CarWash 1.0, but only after running Nagging 5.3, and this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please?!?!?!

Signed, Jane

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about , but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely and ENTERTAINMENT package, while Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by it’s creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would only cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0 and nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and should be expected from Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of the “old time” favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0 of Husband 2.0. BEWARE: these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support.” You will notice that this program runs very poorly and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I highly recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF’s). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of the root cause. To activate this great feature, enter the command “C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.” Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and FlowersChocolate 7.8.

TECH TIP: Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPF’s. and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a VERY BAD program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this Tech Tip!

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 4.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After a few years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar to you and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A FINAL WORD OF CAUTION: DO NOT under ANY circumstances install MotherInLaw 1.0!!! This is not a supported applicaiton and will cause selective shutdown of the operation system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 8.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best in the coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Sincerely,

Tech Support

MYASS – Software Joke

May 20, 2007

My Ass This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:”Millennia Year Application Software System” (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees willhave an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, “I’m a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.” I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, “here, stick this in MYASS.”

Stupid Virus Joke

May 20, 2007

You have just received the “Aggie Virus”

As we don’t have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thanks for your cooperation ******* Note: This is only a JOKE, you don’t really have a virus.

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