Tarzan Makes Love To Jane

January 21, 2011

After living alone in the the deep jungle for so many years, Tarzan had only spent quality time with the apes… When it came to sexual encounters, Tarzan often hunted for a tree that had a suitably sized hole…

One day a geologist named Jane was in Tarzan’s jungle, searching for her next big diamond. Deep in the wilds she came to an opening and stumbled upon Tarzan thrusting vigorously into a jungle vine tree… she quietly watched him…

After seeing his animal display of passion, Jane runs out into the clearing and lays down int he tall grass, offering herself openly… Tarzan runs over to Jane and gives her a massive kick to the crotch… In pain she screams “Why the hell did you do that?” … he replies “Tarzan always check for squirrels”

An Irish Toast

January 19, 2011

Mr. O’Mally lifts his beer and toasts “Here’s to spending me life, between the legs of me wife!”

For such a bold toast, he wins first prize at the pubs annual contest.

The same night O’Mally comes home and tells his lovely wife Mary “Love, I won first place for Best Toast of the year”. Mary asks “Did ya now? And what was your famous toast?” Mr. O’Mally replies “Here’s to spending me life, sittin in church with me wife.”

“Oh, that’s charming John” Mary says.

The next day, Mary bumps into John ‘s drinkin buddy down at the market. The man grins and says, “Hey Mary, O’Mally won the annual prize last night with a toast about you”.

Mary replies “Aye, I was a wee bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only gone down there twice in the last ten months. Once he fell asleep and the next time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come”.

Apparently, this won joke of the year in Ireland… they sure know how to tell jokes…

The Shrinks Observations

January 18, 2011

A shrink is conducting group therapy with three young mothers and their small children.

“You all have obsessions,” he observes.

He speaks to the first mother “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turns to the second mom “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

The third mother quickly gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on Dick, let’s get outta here.”

Hung Like a Horse

January 17, 2011

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Porsche to pick up chicks!

Hotel Quickie

January 16, 2011

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a
woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both startled and he says,

“Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”

She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”

Couples Massage

January 13, 2011

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?’

To which he responded: ‘I found the remote.’

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson

January 12, 2011

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

Sex and the Newly Wed

January 10, 2011

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want,” he insisted. “And, I don’t expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules,” he said. “Any comments?”

His new bride replied, “No, that’s fine with me. But, just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night … whether you’re here or not.”

Young Couple on the Beach – Funny Jokes

March 7, 2008

Sent to us from Liana, and yes, thanks Liana, it did make us laugh…. really cute joke

A healthy young couple decided they wanted to get married would do so at a beautiful warm resort on the beach in the Caribean.

All was set up for the ceremony, the guests were in there chairs slowly sinking in the sand, the groom stood by the alter with a huge smile, and the minister stood patiently alongside awaiting the arrival of the bride to be. The evening was beautiful. The waves from the ocean lapped at the shore and the sun was performing a rich warm sunset.

Then she arrived and walked proudly down the beach holding her flowers and smiling from ear to ear. When she stood in front of the minister she put down the flowers and everyone saw she was topless.

The minister stopped and advised the young woman, “I can’t marry you like that, its not right.”

The young bride looked him in the eye and said, “yes you can, I have a divine right.”

The minister responded by saying; “yes you have a divine right, and you also have a divine left, but I can’t marry you dressed like that.”

Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

Talk about a huge breast!

Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

It’s Cool Whip time!

If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!

Whew, that’s one terrific spread!

Are you ready for seconds yet?

It’s a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!

Don’t play with your meat.

Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?

I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!

You still have a little bit on your chin.

How long will it take after you stick it in?

You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.

Wow. I didn’t think I could handle all of that!

That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!

How long do I beat it before it’s ready???

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