A STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
“You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,” the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. “The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and,” pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student’s litany and said, “You’re right, son. We didn’t have those things when we were young……..so we invented them.

Now,you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?”

The applause was resounding…

THIS IS STRANGE!! – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

How smart is your right foot?
Just try this. It is from an orthopaedic surgeon…………

This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can’t. It’s pre-programmed in your brain!

1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY) and while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number “6″ in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.!!!!!!!!!

I told you so!!! And there’s nothing you can do about it!
You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you’ve not already done so.

LITTLE JOHNNY AND GEORGE BUSH – Funny Jokes

October 19, 2007

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
“Stanley,” responds the little boy.
“And what is your question, Stanley?”
“I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?”
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don’t have health insurance?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, “OK, where were we? Oh, that’s right, question time. Who has a question?”

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
“Little Johnny” he responds.
“And what is your question, Little Johnny?”
“Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don’t have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO STANLEY?”

WHO’S SENILE – Funny Jokes

October 11, 2007

Nobody Believes Old People…. Everyone thinks we are senile.

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they’d shared and where he had carved I love you, Sally.” On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don’t know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it’s fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says, “We’ve got to give it back.” She says, “Finders keepers.” And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” She says, “No.” The husband says, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” She says, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.” But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

The old man says, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…” The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, “We’re outta here…”

English Professor – Funny Jokes

October 4, 2007

An English professor wrote the words: “A woman without her man is nothing” on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly. All of the males in the class wrote: “A woman, without her man, is nothing.” All the females in the class wrote: “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”

MATHEMATICS – Funny Jokes

October 4, 2007

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

BIG NEWS ABOUT WOMEN – Funny Jokes

October 4, 2007

UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry: A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. Further studies are expected.

Little Johnny and AUNT KAREN – Funny Jokes

October 4, 2007

The teacher gave her class an assignment: Have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids returned with their stories. Little Ashley said, “I live on a farm and we have a lot of hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market when my little brother dropped the basket and they all broke. So the moral of this story is, ‘Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!’” “Very good,” said the teacher. Next Sarah raised her hand and said, “Our family are farmers too, but we raise chickens for meat. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got five live chicks. The moral is, ‘Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!’” “Very good, Sarah. Now Little Johnny, do you have a story?” “My daddy told me this story about Aunt Karen. She was a fighter pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break, then she landed in the middle of 100 Iraqi troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke. Then she chased down and strangled the last 10 with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?” And his reply — “Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking!

Indefinitely Little Johnny- Funny Jokes

October 3, 2007

A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word ‘indefinitely’ in a sentence. Well, Little Johnny has his hand raised in the back of the class.

But the teacher knows he’s a trouble maker and that he doesn’t know the answer, so she calls on Jim.

Jim replies, “Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely.” “Good” the teacher replies. “What about you Jenny?” Jenny says, “Since the bus broke down, transportation was stopped indefinitely.”

The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and she asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there’s Little Johnny waving his hand. And the teacher thinks … (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says,

“As I felt my balls slap off her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!

Biology Lesson – Funny Jokes

October 2, 2007

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, asked during class, “Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?”

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, “Mr. Perkins, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this, ” and sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”

“Correct Miss Johnson.” said Mr. Perkins. “And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.

One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”

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