You might be a redneck if

February 2, 2011

Your family tree doesn’t have any branches.

You Might Be A Red Neck If…

January 21, 2011

You stare at an orange juice container because it says, “CONCENTRATE”.

Hunting Accident

January 16, 2011

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

You Might Be A Redneck If

January 14, 2011

You ever cut your grass and found a car…

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife…

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws…

You Might Be A Redneck If

January 10, 2011

You Might Be A Redneck If… You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

A WEEEEEE BIT – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, “They’re lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look ‘em over and pick the one you want.”

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a weeeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice….pigeon toed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

“Well,” the man replied, “she’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell…crossed-eyed..”

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better.

So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

“She’s perfect, just perfect. She’s the one I want to marry.”

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

“Well,” explains the redneck…”She was just a weeee bit, not that you could hardly tell…. pregnant when you met her.”

Redneck Parents – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

Kentucky couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband “fixed”. The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision…why after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

RED NECK ON THE JURY – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair.

His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck’s house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn’t easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

THE BEAR HUNTERS – Funny Jokes

February 15, 2008

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”

LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER – Funny Jokes

February 1, 2008

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and
Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost but I don’t know him well enough to
discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around and, when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober. (I love this one!!)

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going
through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in
sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in
sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

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