Happy Halloween – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteadily on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident,

walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”

The drunk, still staring down replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”

Texas Deputy vs. New York Lawyer – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy.

He thinks he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and he is certain that he is better educated than any cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and to have some fun at the Texas deputy’s expense!!

Deputy says: “License and Registration please.”

Lawyer says: “What for?”

Deputy says: “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

Lawyer says: “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Deputy says: “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says: “What’s the difference?”

Deputy says: “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration please!”

Lawyer says: “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Deputy says: “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, please Sir.”

The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it and then says, “Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”

My new Lexus – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

I bought a new Lexus 350 and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn’t figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. “Watch this!” he said. “Nelson!” The radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?” “Willie!” he continued and “On the Road Again” came from the speakers. Then he said, “Ray Charles!” and in an instant “Georgia on My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days every time I’d say, “Beethoven,” I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said “Beatles,” I’d get one of their awesome songs. Yesterday a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, “Ass Hole!”

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar. Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch…..

Damn, I LOVE this car!!!

LOOSING CONTROL – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. “I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the young southpaw. “You always lose control at the same point in every game.” “When is that?”

“Right after the National Anthem.”

CUBS – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

The other day was Take Your Daughter To Work day. The Cubs had a fun time, played a little scrimmage against their daughters. Unfortunately they lost, 15-3.

THE SCOREBOARD – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

To give you an idea of the kind of season we’ve had, the person who handled our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody noticed.

YOGI – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

A couple of Yogi Berra’s team mates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch – but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.

THE SPORTS FAN – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

Alexander Potter was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the television set. “Hey,” Alex shouted, “what do you think you’re doing?”

“I am sick of sports, and I’m sick of TV,” his wife replied. “You haven’t touched me in months. We’re going to talk about sex right now!” “Okay, Okay. So…” After a moment, he asked, “How often do you think Brett Favre gets laid?”

THE FRESHMAN – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. “Can you tackle?” asked the coach. “Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. “Wow,” said the coach.

“I’m impressed. Can you run?”

“Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred-yard dash. “Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass a football?” The freshman hesitated for a few seconds.

“Well, sir,” he said, “if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”

THE STAR AND THE CHEERLEADER – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team’s cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, “You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand.” “That’s right, Coach,” replied the lineman. “But, she’s much better!”

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