The Stress Laugh – FUnny Jokes

This has got to be one of the FUNNIEST freakin videos out there… Recently my father sent me a paper he did on stress management in the work force… I would however like to end off that paper with the following…

All the best to my father… hahaha what a laugh this guys has… must be in the yoga.

Ken Lee Bulgarian Idol – Funny Jokes

This little ditty was sent to us today. Now we are not in the habbit of making fun of anyone, and in this case, the lady has a FANTASTIC voice, and is SO CONFIDENT that she knows english, and man it is more fun watching the female judge try not to fall over… really, she is a talented singer, she needs to concentrate on language to perfect things… Good for her for going for it. Ken Lee – Bulgarian Idol (WITH ENGLISH TRANSLATION)

Young Couple on the Beach – Funny Jokes

Sent to us from Liana, and yes, thanks Liana, it did make us laugh…. really cute joke

A healthy young couple decided they wanted to get married would do so at a beautiful warm resort on the beach in the Caribean.

All was set up for the ceremony, the guests were in there chairs slowly sinking in the sand, the groom stood by the alter with a huge smile, and the minister stood patiently alongside awaiting the arrival of the bride to be. The evening was beautiful. The waves from the ocean lapped at the shore and the sun was performing a rich warm sunset.

Then she arrived and walked proudly down the beach holding her flowers and smiling from ear to ear. When she stood in front of the minister she put down the flowers and everyone saw she was topless.

The minister stopped and advised the young woman, “I can’t marry you like that, its not right.”

The young bride looked him in the eye and said, “yes you can, I have a divine right.”

The minister responded by saying; “yes you have a divine right, and you also have a divine left, but I can’t marry you dressed like that.”

Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota – Funny Jokes

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18″ of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Minnesota.

If you’re proud that your state makes the national News 96 nights each year, because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Minnesota.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Minnesota.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you might live in Minnesota.

If your dads suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, You might live in Minnesota.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Minnesota.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Minnesota.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Minnesota.

Vacation means going up North past Virginia for the weekend, you might live in Minnesota.

If you know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedia, Edina, Shakopee, Winton and Ely, You might live in Minnesota.

If you measure distance in hours, you might live in Minnesota.

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you might live in Minnesota.

You often switch from heat to A/C in the same day and back again, you might live in Minnesota

You see people wearing hunting clothes at special events, you might live in Minnesota.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. You might live in Minnesota.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, you might live in Minnesota.

You think of the major food groups as Beer, Fish and venison, you might live in Minnesota.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them, you might live in Minnesota.

There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Zups Grocery Store at any given time, You might live in Minnesota.

You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might live in Minnesota.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in Minnesota.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winder, winter, still winter and road construction, you might live in Minnesota.

You consider Minneapolis exotic, you might live in Minnesota.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce, you might live in Minnesota.

Down South means Iowa, A brat is something you eat, You go out to fish fry every Friday,

You find 0 degrees a little chilly; you really just might live in Minnesota!

State Mottos – Funny Jokes

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

*****

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!

*****

Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat

*****

Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything

*****

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

*****

Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

*****

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It Yet

*****

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

*****

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

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Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism

*****

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru

(Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

*****

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes…Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good

*****

Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce The “S”

*****

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

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Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

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Kansas: First Of The Rectangular States

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Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names

*****

Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,

But That’s Our Tourism Campaign

*****

Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

*****

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

*****

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets

*****

Michigan: First Line Of Defence – From The Canadians

*****

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes….And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

*****

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

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Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

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Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Uni-bomber, Right-wing Crazies

And Very Little Else

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Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

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Nevada: Hookers And Poker!

*****

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

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New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

*****

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

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New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent,

You Have The Right To An Attorney…

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North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

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North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

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Ohio: At Least We’re Not Michigan

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Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

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Oregon: Spotted Owl…It’s What’s For Dinner

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Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

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Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island

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South Carolina: Remember The Civil War?

We Didn’t Actually Surrender

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South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

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Tennessee: The Educashun State

*****

Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)

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Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus!

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Vermont: Yep

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Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?

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Washington: Help! We’re Over-run By Nerds And Slackers!

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Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

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West Virginia: One Big Happy Family…..Really!

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Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Testicles – Funny Jokes

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

“Mom,” he asked, “are these my brains?”

“Not yet,” replied his mother.

Grade Earned – Funny Jokes

Students were assigned to read 2 books, “Titanic” & “My Life” by Bill Clinton.

One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the position that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for his report:

Titanic: $29.99 * Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read * Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack & Rose, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe *

Clinton: The story of Bill & Monica, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist * Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar * Clinton: Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined * Clinton: Ditto for Monica

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit * Clinton: Let’s Not Go There

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry * Clinton: Monica’s forced to return her gifts

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life * Clinton: Clinton doesn’t remember Jack

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen * Clinton: Monica…ooh, let’s not go there either

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death * Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary…basically the same thing

Divine Understand – Funny Jokes

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the shy clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me.”

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want that bridge with two lanes or four?”

Math Skills Today – Funny Jokes

Last week I purchased a burger & fries at McDonalds for $3.58.

The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort & I tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but when I tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this? – – – Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

Teaching Math in 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production

is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math in 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?

(There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math in 2007

Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera papa $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?

TWO SCOTTISH NUNS – Funny Jokes

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.” “Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. “Two dogs, please,” says one. The vendor is very pleased to ovlige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs’. The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part did you got?”

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