Newfoundland Bar – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

Recently a routine RCMP patrol parked outside a bar just off the main Highway at Goobies, Newfoundland.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar who was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.

A number of other patrons failed to observe this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it as a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, ‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.’

‘I doubt it,’ said the truly proud Newfoundlander, ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy.’

Jet Fuel – Funny Jokes

October 3, 2007

Bud and Jim were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander, NFLD. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!” Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?” So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings…It’s Jim. Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?” Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?” Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?” Bud says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff – no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.” “Yeah, well there’s just one thing…” “What’s that?” “Have you farted yet?” “No…..” “Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in TORONTO!!!”


August 21, 2007

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read: “British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than The Scots.”

One week later, an East Coast newspaper, reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 meters in fields near Come-By-Chance, NFLD. … George Upshal, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. George has, therefore, concluded that 300 years ago Newfoundlanders were already using wireless.”


June 8, 2007

There was a German, an Italian and a Newfie on Death Row. The Warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: 1. to be shot 2. to be hung 3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death. So the German said, “Shoot me right in the head.” (Boom, he was dead instantly). Then the Italian said, “Just hang me.” (Snap, he was dead.) Then the Newfie said, “Give me some of that AIDS stuff.” They gave him the shot, and the Newfie fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Newfie said, “Give me another one of those shots,” so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. Finally the Warden said, “What is wrong with you?” The Newfie replied, “You guys are so stupid… I’m wearing a condom!”


June 1, 2007

A Newfoundlander, was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty dollars…” she whispers. He’d never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell,it’s only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They’re going “at it” for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them . It’s a police officer.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the Newfoundlander answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.
“Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face.” says the Newfie


June 1, 2007

A Doctor in Cape Breton wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant “Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and
don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients”.
“Yes, sir!” answers Garge.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Garge, how was your day?”

Garge told him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.”
“Bravo Mate, and the second one?” asks the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir” says Garge.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her
legs and shouts: ‘HELP ME! For five years I have not seen a man!'”
“And what did you do Garge?” asks the doctor.
“I put drops in her eyes.”

Budgies, Parrots and Chickens – Newfie Joke

May 22, 2007

Two Newfies walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Jimmy, “Dat’s dem.” The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage over dere,” says Gerry, “Put dem in a peeper bag.” The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. “Dis looks loike a great place, eh?” says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Jimmy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a ‘SPLAT’. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, “Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin’ is too fockin’ dangerous for me.” A minute later, Sammy arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar ‘peeper bag’. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Jimmy notices that, in his other hand, Sammy is carrying a gun. “Hi, Jimmy. Watch dis,” Sammy says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Sammy takes out the gun and blows the parrot’s head off. Sammy continues to plummet until there is a ‘SPLAT’!, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom. Jimmy shakes his head and says, “An’ oim never troyin’ dat parrotshooting nider.” A few minutes after Sammy splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar ‘peeper bag’. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Jimmy shakes his head – “Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Sammy parrotshooting, and now you fockin’ hengliding”

Beer Joke – From the Newfie Jokes Archive

May 22, 2007

Two newfies fell overboard and were floating in deep water in the middle of the ocean for a few days. They were both exhausted and just then a bottle floated by. The first Newfie opened the bottle an a Genie slithered out and made them an offer. “You can have one – and only one wish”. So without hesitation, the first newfie pipes up first, “Great! Turn all this water into beer!” and immediately the ocean was turned into beer. The second Newfie is taken aback with the quick response but in disgust, turns to his friend and asks, “Oh great, now where are we going to pee?”

Best Bar In The World – Newfie Joke

May 22, 2007

A Torontonian, a New Yorker and a Newfie were arguing over which place had the best bar in the world. The New Yorker jumped in right away with, “We have a bar in New York that has ‘Happy Hour’ every day from 3PM till 6PM and drinks are always half price. “That’s great,” said the guy from Toronto, “But we have a bar where you pay for the first drink, but every second drink is free”. The Newfie just sat back laughing and laughing at how much better his bar in St. John’s was. He proudly presented his story. “We have a bar in St. John’s that gives you the first drink free. Then they give you the second drink free. Then they give you the third drink for free. Then they take you in the back room and you get laid for free. “WOW!!!” exclaimed the other two, somewhat disbelieving. “Did that happen to you?” “NO,” said the Newfie. “But it did happen to my sister.”

Newfie Joke

May 22, 2007

A guy gets into Toronto after a long trip from Newfoundland. He arrives at the hotel and asks the Bell Hop for the name of a certain “Lady Friend”. The Bell Hop reaches into his pocket and finds a slip of paper with the girls name and phone number.

The newf goes to his room and calls the girl over. Upon arrival she gives him a price. “It’ll cost ya $100 buck a night”.

The man asks her to stay for three nights. At the end of the third night the lady says “hey your one of the sweetest nicest men I ever met, Where you from?”

He replies “Newfoundland, St. Johns” she says “ME TOO, Where in St. Johns” he replies “River Line Road # 43”

The lady friend looks astonished and says “I live at #41, That is quite a coincidence”

The man replies “Yes, and by the way, your mother asked me to give you this $300 dollars”

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