PERFECT TEE SHOT – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man;” said his partner, “you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”

RED NECK ON THE JURY – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair.

His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck’s house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn’t easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

Shopping in Tesco’s – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

A husband and wife are shopping in Tesco’s when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks it into the trolley.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.

“They’re on offer, only £10 for 24 cans”, he says.

“Put them back. We can’t afford it,” says the wife and they carry on shopping…

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the man.

“It’s my face cream, it makes me look beautiful,” she says.

The man replies… “SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT’S HALF THE F***ING PRICE”

Old Ain’t For Sissies – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?

At 8 — You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 — You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 — You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 — She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 — She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 — You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 — If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

At 78 — What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

The Colo – rectal Surgeon’s Sing-a-long – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

We praise the colorectal surgeon

Misunderstood and much maligned

Slaving away in the heart of darkness

Working where the sun don’t shine

Respect the colorectal surgeon

It’s a calling few would crave

Lift up your hands and join us

Let’s all do the finger wave

When it comes to spreading joy

There are many techniques

Some spread joy to the world

And others just spread cheeks

Some may think the cardiologist

Is their best friend

But the colorectal surgeon knows…

He’ll get you in the end!

Why the colorectal surgeon?

It’s one of those mysterious things.

Is it because in that profession

There are always openings?

When I first met a colorectal surgeon

He did not quite understand;

I said, “Hey nice to meet you

But do you mind? We don’t shake hands.”

He sailed right through medical school

Because he was a whiz

Oh but he never thought of psychology

Though he read passages

A doctor he wanted to be

For golf he loved to play

But this is not quite what he meant…

By eighteen holes a day!

Praise the colorectal surgeon

Misunderstood and much maligned

Slaving away in the heart of darkness

Working where the sun don’t shine!

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

You Don’t Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don’t even have to

like ‘em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned

on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet

and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and

we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want

the cat shut in the house be cause she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat

runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t

want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.. So, she

explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as

we drove away. That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her

with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I

grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a Blanket to keep her

from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass Downstairs and threw

her out into the back yard!’

The cab driver hit a parked car.

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

THE LAST DAYS – Funny Jokes

February 15, 2008

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. —

These two are so old and drunk; Im not wasting two of my girls on them. They wont know the difference.”

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, “You know, I think my girl was dead!”

“Dead?” says his friend, “Why do you say that?”

“Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.”

His friend says, “Could be worse; I think mine was a witch.”

“Witch, why the hell would you say that?”

“Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out of the window.”

BEST JOB AT THE CIRCUS – Funny Jokes

February 15, 2008

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up.

One is a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, “Im not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.

He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or youre history.

Heres your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “Ill go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lions cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles.

He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owners mouth is on the floor.

He says, “Ive never seen a display like that in my life.”

He then turns to the young man and asks, “Can you top that?”

The young man replies. “No problem, just get that lion the hell out of the way.”

VALENTINE’S DAY – Funny Jokes

February 15, 2008

“We cannot really love anybody without whom we never laugh.” – Alice Reppler

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down.” – Woody Allen, Love and Death

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? – Anonymous

Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely. – Hawkeye, M.A.S.H.

Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots. – Hoosier Farmer

True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. – Erich Segal

Love wouldn’t be blind if the Braille weren’t so damned much fun. – Anonymous

Falling in love is so hard on the knees. – Aerosmith

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties. – Jules Renard

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. – Peter Ustinov

Love is a grave mental disease. Plato

“I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine’s day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning. Guys, it’s these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine. Anonymous and now dead.

I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. Anonymous

Basement smells bad. Look for cat poops, change litter. Happy Valentines Day. (note to her gardener) Martha Stewart

I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV. Tracy Smith

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