February 1, 2008

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.

Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.’
‘You’re going to be OK, you’ll walk again, everything, but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact.
But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s a thousand pounds an inch.’

The bloke perks up at this.

‘So the thing is’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed.
So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

‘So’ says the doctor ‘Have you spoken with your wife?’
‘I have.’ says the fellow.
‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’
‘She has’ says the bloke.
‘And what are you having?’ asks the doctor. . .
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“We’re having a new kitchen.”


February 1, 2008

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows

Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me…”

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

How do you fix a woman’s watch?

You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can’t shut up long enough to

Build up the required pressure.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won’t do what she’s told

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.

It’s called a Wedding Cake.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

Women will never be equal to men

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.


February 1, 2008

So, it was getting a little crowded in Heaven and God decided to change the admission policy. The new rule:
To get into Heaven, you must have had a real bummer of a last day on earth.

The next day at 12:01 a.m., the first new soul came knockin on Heaven’s door.

The Angel in charge, enforcing the new policy, promptly said to the man, “Before I can let you in,
I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.”

“No problem,” the man said. “I came home unannounced to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was crying and carrying on,
But I scoured the apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I glanced out onto the balcony and noticed a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of the SOB! Well, I ran out there and stomped on his fingers until he fell. But, wouldnt you know it, he lands in some trees and bushes that Broke his fall. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get something to throw at him.
The first thing I saw was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it onto the balcony and flipped it over the side.
It plummeted the 25 floors and crushed him!

Unfortunately, the stress brought on by all of this was so great that I had a heart attack and died right on the spot.”

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy didn’t belong, but he did have one very bad last day, guilty only of a crime of passion. So, the angel said, “OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and let him in.

Minutes later, another man approached. The Angel said, “Before I can let you in, you must tell me what your final Day was like.”

“No problem,” said the second man. “But you’re not going to believe this. I’m on the balcony of my 26th Floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I’d been under a lot of pressure, so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But then all of a sudden this wild man comes running out of his apartment cursing a blue streak and starts stomping on my fingers. Well, of course, I can’t hold on. Luckily, I drop through some trees, breaking my fall, and I land in some bushes.
I’m battered but alive. As I’m lying there face up on the ground unable to move, I see the lunatic push a refrigerator off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands right on top of me. Lights out!”

The Angel quietly laughs to himself as the man inishes his story. “Very well, my son” the Angel says, “Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and he lets the man enter.

Minutes later another man comes along. The angel says, “Please tell me how you died.”

The third man says, “OK, now picture this……..
I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator…”


February 1, 2008

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men–he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women–she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carp eted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ” Mission Impossible” theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look” by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

And last, but not least

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”



MOM TEST – Funny Jokes

February 1, 2008

I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

“Why?” my daughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,” I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.”

I was thinking quickly.

“All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mom.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

“OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the dad.”

“Exactly,” I replied back with a big smile on my face.


February 1, 2008

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and
Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost but I don’t know him well enough to
discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around and, when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober. (I love this one!!)

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going
through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in
sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in
sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?


February 1, 2008

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,”
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days!
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
——- —————————————————
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
————————————————- ———
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


February 1, 2008

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, “Will you marry me?”
The girl said, *”NO!”*
And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn’t get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore stupid lacy lingerie that rode up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants.


February 1, 2008

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner far too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ‘screw you.’

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy your self.


February 1, 2008

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down,a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

“No,” he says, “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”

He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to

Come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1987.”

“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head. “No they’re all at the funeral.”

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