UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

TWO WOMEN MEET IN HEAVEN – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! Im Kelly. How’d you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became soexhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer we’d both still be alive.

GOOD GRIEF! I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT! – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1½ years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favourite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!!’

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?

MEDICARE IN A NUTSHELL – Funny Jokes

February 13, 2008

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, “Hello.”
“Mrs. Ward, please.”
“Speaking.”
“Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husbands biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husbands. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?” Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimers and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We cant tell which is your husbands.”
“Thats dreadful! Cant you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Ward.
“Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, dont sleep with him.

THE LOST WIFE – Funny Jokes

February 13, 2008

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
“Excuse me; I cant seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, “Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?”

“I have no idea, but every time I talk to a beautiful woman with breasts as lovely as yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.”

MURPHY’S LAW AT WORK – Funny Jokes

February 8, 2008

1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
2. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
6. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
7. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
9. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
10. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
11. Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back. This is what I’m doing wrong.
12. Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”
13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
14. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing.
16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
17. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong – until the next person quits or is fired.
18. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
19. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T …).
20. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you can get out of it.
21. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
22. People are always available for work in the past tense.
23. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
24. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
25. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
26. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
27. No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
28. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”
29. The longer the title, the less important the job.
30. Machines that have broken down always work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
31. An “acceptable” level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
32. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
33. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one’s own.
34. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

LIFE LESSONS FROM DEAR ABBY – Funny Jokes

February 1, 2008

Read and heed !

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with “the girls” a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with “the girls.”

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

LOVE DRESS – Funny Jokes

February 1, 2008

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son’s house.

She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally
naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

‘What are you doing?’ she asked.

‘I’m waiting for Mike to come home from work,’ the daughter-in-law answered.

‘But you’re naked!’ the mother-in-law exclaimed.

‘This is my love dress,’ the daughter-in-law explained.

‘Love dress? But you’re naked!’

‘Mike loves me to wear this dress,’ she explained. ‘It excites him to no
end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and
ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.’

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed
the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch, waiting for her
husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

‘What are you doing?’ he asked.

‘This is my love dress,’ she whispered, sensually.

‘Needs ironing,’ he said. ‘What’s for dinner?

HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT………

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT-Funny Jokes

February 1, 2008

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

ADAM AND EVE -Funny Jokes

February 1, 2008

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students… here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was

‘DON’T!’

‘Don’t what? ‘ Adam replied.

‘Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.’ God said.

‘Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve we have forbidden fruit! ‘

‘ No Way! ‘

‘Yes way! ‘

‘Do NOT eat the fruit! ‘ said God.

‘Why?’

‘Because I am your Father and I said so! ‘

God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked !

‘Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit? God asked.

‘Uh huh,’ Adam replied.

‘Then why did you?’ said the Father.

‘I don’t know,’ said Eve.

‘She started it! ‘ Adam said

‘Did not!’

‘Did too!’

‘DID NOT! ‘

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

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