Young Couple on the Beach – Funny Jokes

March 7, 2008

Sent to us from Liana, and yes, thanks Liana, it did make us laugh…. really cute joke

A healthy young couple decided they wanted to get married would do so at a beautiful warm resort on the beach in the Caribean.

All was set up for the ceremony, the guests were in there chairs slowly sinking in the sand, the groom stood by the alter with a huge smile, and the minister stood patiently alongside awaiting the arrival of the bride to be. The evening was beautiful. The waves from the ocean lapped at the shore and the sun was performing a rich warm sunset.

Then she arrived and walked proudly down the beach holding her flowers and smiling from ear to ear. When she stood in front of the minister she put down the flowers and everyone saw she was topless.

The minister stopped and advised the young woman, “I can’t marry you like that, its not right.”

The young bride looked him in the eye and said, “yes you can, I have a divine right.”

The minister responded by saying; “yes you have a divine right, and you also have a divine left, but I can’t marry you dressed like that.”

A WEEEEEE BIT – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, “They’re lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look ‘em over and pick the one you want.”

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a weeeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice….pigeon toed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

“Well,” the man replied, “she’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell…crossed-eyed..”

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better.

So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

“She’s perfect, just perfect. She’s the one I want to marry.”

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

“Well,” explains the redneck…”She was just a weeee bit, not that you could hardly tell…. pregnant when you met her.”

Bad cuckoo clock – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!!

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!”

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall stared up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed….3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos… (MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him “Midnight.”

He didn’t seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, “I think we need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked him why?, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh shit!”, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

Truth in advertising – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

$10,000

’06 Suzuki GSXR 1000

Farmington, UT 84025

500-mile dealer service.

(Expensive)

It’s been adult ridden,

all wheels have always been on the ground.

I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I’m selling it because it was purchased without the proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently “do whatever the f*** you want” doesn’t mean what I thought.

Call me, Steve..800-555-5555

Thanksgiving Divorce – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

20 DOLLARS – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.

He says “Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me”.

His friend says “Don’t worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill”.

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

“You reek of alcohol and you’ve thrown up all over yourself, my God you’re disgusting” .

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, “Wait. It’s not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He’d obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn’t hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket.”

She looks in his breast pocket and says, “But this is forty dollars”.

“Ah, yes.” says the man. “He peed in my trousers too”.

Men are like – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free, here’s an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders. You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials. You can’t believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Deer Meat Eaters – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and His wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, “it’s what mommy calls me sometimes”.

The little girl screams to her brother, “Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole”.

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

You Don’t Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don’t even have to

like ‘em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned

on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet

and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and

we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want

the cat shut in the house be cause she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat

runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t

want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.. So, she

explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as

we drove away. That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her

with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I

grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a Blanket to keep her

from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass Downstairs and threw

her out into the back yard!’

The cab driver hit a parked car.

9 TERMS WOMEN USE – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in something.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says “Thanks a lot” – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome” – - – that will bring on a “whatever”).

(8) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying “You’ll find out how I truly feel”!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

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