Little Johnny gets a bucket of water

One day, Little Johnny’s grandmother sent him to the water
hole to get some water for cooking dinner.

As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma’s house as fast as he could.

“Where’s my bucket and my water?” She asked.

“I can’t get any water from that water hole, there’s a mean ol’ alligator down there!”

“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnny. He’s been
there for years, and he’s never hurt no one. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”

“Well, Grandma,” replied Johnny, “if he’s as scared of me as
I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”

Little Jonny Always Has The Answer

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: “I ain’t had no fun in months.” Then asked the class, “How should I correct this sentence?”

Little Johnny raised his had and replied, “Get yourself a new boyfriend.”

Little Johnny on Math – Funny Jokes

Little Johnny returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

“Why?” asks the father. “The teacher asked, ‘How much is 2 x 3?’, I said 6” replied Johnny. “But that’s right!” says his dad.

“Yeah, but then she asked me, ‘How much is 3 x 2?”

“What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father.

“That’s what I said!” said Johnny.

A BOY, A COP AND A SQUIRREL – Funny Jokes

A policeman caught a nasty Little Johnny with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.

“Now listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you”

Little Johnny kissed the squirrels butt and let it go”

NEW TEACHER – Funny Jokes

Little Johnny comes home from school and his mother asks him what he learned. He said he had a new teacher who taught him all about AIDS. His mother was surprised that a seven-year-old child would be taught this. She asked her son what his teacher had told him and he replied “She told us that it was okay to walk on the sidewalk holding hands but we have to stay away from intersections and buy condominiums.”

Best Joke of 2004 – Funny Jokes

For his birthday little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle . His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $180,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.
The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”

Little Johnny told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $180,000 mortgage and no fucking bike!”

I GOT YOUR MAMA – Funny Jokes

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.
Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell
her mother what she wanted. “Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.”

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at
school and at home. Carol’s mother asked her if she thought she deserved
to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why
she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps
to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn’t true. She had not been a very good girl this
year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and
I wouldlike a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn’t true either. She tore up the letter and
started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven’t been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will
be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her
a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother
she wanted to go to church. Carol’s mother thought her plan had worked
because Carol looked very sad. ‘Just be home in time for dinner,’ her
mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She
looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of
the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church,
down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and
sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

Little Johnny€™s Aunt Carol – Funny Jokes

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their Stories.

‘Johnny, do you have a story to share?’

‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’

‘Good Heavens’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?’

‘Stay the fuck away from Aunt Carol when she’s drinking.’

A 5-Year-Old’s First Job – Funny Jokes

Here’s a truly heart warming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing he workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them ‘gems-in-the-rough’ more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother Who suggested that she take her ten dollars ‘pay’ she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally Impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

‘Oh my goodness gracious,’ said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?” The little girl replied, “I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock.”

Little Johnny Blues – Funny Jokes

A father asked his 10-year old son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears.
“Promise me you won’t tell me.”
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
Little Johnny sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech.

At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech.

If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid,
I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

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