The Stress Laugh – FUnny Jokes

March 31, 2008

This has got to be one of the FUNNIEST freakin videos out there… Recently my father sent me a paper he did on stress management in the work force… I would however like to end off that paper with the following…

All the best to my father… hahaha what a laugh this guys has… must be in the yoga.

KEN LEEEE Continues – Part 2 the full audience tribute – Funny Jokes

March 18, 2008

If you recently saw our post below from earlier this week, you gotta catch up with the full version, and an audience tribute…

Ken Lee Bulgarian Idol – Funny Jokes

March 14, 2008

This little ditty was sent to us today. Now we are not in the habbit of making fun of anyone, and in this case, the lady has a FANTASTIC voice, and is SO CONFIDENT that she knows english, and man it is more fun watching the female judge try not to fall over… really, she is a talented singer, she needs to concentrate on language to perfect things… Good for her for going for it. Ken Lee – Bulgarian Idol (WITH ENGLISH TRANSLATION)

Young Couple on the Beach – Funny Jokes

March 7, 2008

Sent to us from Liana, and yes, thanks Liana, it did make us laugh…. really cute joke

A healthy young couple decided they wanted to get married would do so at a beautiful warm resort on the beach in the Caribean.

All was set up for the ceremony, the guests were in there chairs slowly sinking in the sand, the groom stood by the alter with a huge smile, and the minister stood patiently alongside awaiting the arrival of the bride to be. The evening was beautiful. The waves from the ocean lapped at the shore and the sun was performing a rich warm sunset.

Then she arrived and walked proudly down the beach holding her flowers and smiling from ear to ear. When she stood in front of the minister she put down the flowers and everyone saw she was topless.

The minister stopped and advised the young woman, “I can’t marry you like that, its not right.”

The young bride looked him in the eye and said, “yes you can, I have a divine right.”

The minister responded by saying; “yes you have a divine right, and you also have a divine left, but I can’t marry you dressed like that.”

Best Headlines of 2007 – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter

[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace

[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

[Who would have thought?]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

[He probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

[Weren't they big enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

Talk about a huge breast!

Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

It’s Cool Whip time!

If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!

Whew, that’s one terrific spread!

Are you ready for seconds yet?

It’s a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!

Don’t play with your meat.

Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?

I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!

You still have a little bit on your chin.

How long will it take after you stick it in?

You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.

Wow. I didn’t think I could handle all of that!

That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!

How long do I beat it before it’s ready???

February 27, 2008

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto!, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer!

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.

If it doesn’t move and should, use WD-40.

If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance!

12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

Life Cycle – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, start out dead and git it out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day…You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you’re generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and finally you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case

GRANDPA’S ADVICE – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

This is a short story written by a grandson who had a very special relationship with his Grandpa. Many of us unfortunately were born after our own Granspas had passed on and never had the opportunity to enjoy moments like this. The grandson writes….

I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in your life won’t come from a teacher, the library or the internet. It comes from a mentor, and always on a very personal level. My long-passed grandfather’s birthday is coming up and for me, it is a time to reminisce.

We use to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him. I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I’d be a better man. Those gems were all well and good, but the one I remember best came from him when I was only 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I’d find a woman and start my own family. Then he came to the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice when he said, “And be sure you marry a woman with small hands.”

“Why should I do that, Grandpa?” I asked.

“It makes your pecker look bigger.”

It kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

Cop Humor – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

…..supposedly taken from actual police car videos across the country……

#15 – “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new.

They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

#14 – “Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your

birth certificate a worthless document.”

#13 – “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

#12 – “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know,

that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.”

#11 – “So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

#10 – “Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help…

Oh… did I mention that ‘I’ am the shift supervisor?”

#9 – “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again

or I’ll give you another ticket.”

#8 – “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.

Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#7 – “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride

on rides and eat cotton candy.”

#6 – “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

#5 – “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

#4 – “Just how big were those two beers?”

#3 – “No sir we don’t have quotas anymore. We use to have quotas but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

#2 – “I’m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.”

…..And…..THE BEST ONE!!!!!

#1 – “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? ….You’re right, we don’t.

Sign here.

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