February 8, 2008

For thirty years, Johnston had arrived at work at 9 AM on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 AM passed without Johnston’s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnston showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and explained, aware that all eyes were upon him, “I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself.”

And the boss said, “And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?”


February 8, 2008

The old blacksmith realized he would have to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was loud-mouthed and exacting. “Don’t ask me a lot of questions,” he yelled at the boy. “Just do exactly what I tell you to do.” One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil.

“Get the hammer over there,” he said. “When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard.” Now the town needs a new blacksmith.


February 8, 2008

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of Ivey, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The candidate said, “In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The HR Person said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow!!! Are you kidding?”

And the HR Person said, “Yeh, …but you started it.”


February 8, 2008

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked incessantly with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”


February 8, 2008

RE: Casual Fridays

Week 1 – Memo No. 1
Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3 – Memo No. 2
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Week 6 – Memo No. 3
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday’s wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Week 8 – Memo No. 4
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Week 9 – Memo No. 5
As an outgrowth of Friday’s seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

Week 14 – Memo No. 6
The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled “Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards.” A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter “You Are What You Wear” and consult the “home casual” versus “business casual” checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Week 18 – Memo No. 7
Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counselling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.

Week 20 – Memo No. 8
Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.


February 8, 2008

Lawyers are disbarred.

Ministers are defrocked.

Electricians are delighted.

Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.

Drunks are distilled.

Alpine climbers are dismounted.

Piano tuners are unstrung.

Orchestra leaders are disbanded.

Artists’ models are deposed.

Cooks are deranged.

Dressmakers are unbiased.

Nudists are redressed.

Office clerks are defiled.

Mediums are dispirited.

Programmers are decoded.

Accountants are not accounted for

Collection agents are discredited

Holy people are disgraced.

Pastry chefs are deserted.

Perfume makers are dissented.

Butterfly collectors are debugged.

Students are degraded.

Electricians are refused.

Bodybuilders are rebuffed.

Underwear models are debriefed

Painters are discoloured.

Spinsters are dismissed.

Judges are disappointed.

Vegas dealers are discarded.

Mathematicians are discounted.

Tree surgeons disembark.


February 8, 2008

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; FD at Microsoft Corporation )

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (LL Shipping)

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, IIS Development team)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, MMMM Corp.)

My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of D Computers)

Quote from the boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Mktg. executive, C Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,”That would be better for me.” (Shipping Executive, Florists Delivery)

We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (Telephone Co.- Lone Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying, ˜This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above. (MS Legal Affairs Division)

One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New Business Mgr., H Cards)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director’s office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for “perverts” (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (TB Corporation)


February 8, 2008

Airman Brown was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Harvey noticed that Airman Brown had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

“If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded,” which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?


February 8, 2008

1. Top 25 Engineer’s Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean.)
2. A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)
3. Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)
4. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)
5. Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)
6. Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)
7. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
8. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)
9. The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
10. It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)
11. We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)
12. Please note and initial. (Let’s spread the responsibility for this.)
13. Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)
14. Give us your interpretation. (We can’t wait to hear your bull.)
15. See me or let’s discuss. (Come to my office, I’ve messed up again.)
16. All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)
17. Rugged. (Don’t plan to lift it without major equipment.)
18. Robust! (Rugged, but more so.)
19. Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged.)
20. Years of development. (One finally worked)
21. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)
22. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix.)
23. Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix.)
24. E-mail the data. (I’m too lazy to write it down.)
25. We are following the standard! (That’s the way we have always done it!)
26. I didn’t get your e-mail. (I haven’t checked my e-mail for days.)


February 8, 2008

1. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
2. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
3. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
4. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
5. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
6. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
7. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
8. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.
9. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
10. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
11. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
12. No, my powers can only be used for good.
13. How about never? Is never good for you?
14. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to do as I say.
15. You sound reasonable…Must be time to up my medication.
16. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
17. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
18. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
19. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
20. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
21. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
22. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
23. Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

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