Isn’t “SHIT” was a golf term? – Funny Jokes

October 3, 2007

In the 16th and 17th centuries, before commercial fertilizer was invented, large shipments of manure were transported by ship. It was shipped in dry bundles because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet. But once water hit it at sea, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began, a by-product of which is methane gas. It didn’t take long for methane to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before somebody figured out what was happening. Once they determined the role that manure played in the explosions, everybody began stamping the bundles with the term “Ship High In Transit,” so that the sailors would know to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term “S.H.I.T,” which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.

Gimme – Funny Golf Jokes

October 3, 2007

Three golfers were on the 13th hole when they saw a beautiful woman in front of them. She was hitting the ball everywhere. They watched the woman for a couple more holes. Then she had a beautiful shot on the par three 14 yards from the pin. The guys went over to congratulate her. She said whoever can tell me how to get the ball in the hole, i will give you the best oral sex you ever had. So the first one knees down and says hit it towards the left and it should curve right into the cup. The second one says no go right and it is straight on. The third picks up the ball and says “Gimme”

Preacher Golfer – Funny Jokes

October 2, 2007

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course, swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said, “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.” The Lord nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards (meters) away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The Lord and said, “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.” The Lord smiled. “Think about it-who can he tell?”

Bill and the frog – Funny Jokes

October 2, 2007

Bill Clinton got the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.” Bill looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow!! That’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog replies, “Ribbit Lucky frog.” The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think frog?,” Bill asks. “Ribbit 3 wood.” Bill takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. Bill is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, he’d golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,”OK where to next?” The frog replies,”Ribbit Las Vegas.” They go to Las Vegas and Bill says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, Bill asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000, black 6.” Now, this is a million-to- one shot to win, but after the golf game, Bill figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.” The frog replies, “Ribbit Kiss Me.” He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl. “And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room, so help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.”

LIFE ON THE LINKS! – Funny Jokes

September 24, 2007

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place
her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her
husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to
afford any.” The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
“For the sake of decency, here’s $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”
Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. Her husband says
“Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?” She replies, “I
can’t afford any on the money you give me.” He reaches into his pocket and
says, “For the sake of decency, here’s $20. Go and buy yourself some
underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. Her husband says “Sweet
mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?” She too explains,
“You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.” The Scotsman
reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a
comb… Tidy yerself up a bit.”

MARRIAGE COUNSELLING – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.”

A Golf Widower – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

THE F GOLF GAME-Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

A foursome is waiting on the men’s tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies’ tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it 10 feet; goes over to
it, whiffs it; and then hacks it maybe another 10 feet; and then hacks it another 5 feet.She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, “I guess all those f–king lessons I took this winter didn’t help.”
One of the men immediately replies, “Well, there you have it lady. You should have taken golf lessons instead.”

DEAD MAN WALKING- Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners The Lamaze Class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: “Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!” She looked at the men in the room.

“And gentlemen, remember. You’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with your partner.”

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

“Yes?” answered the teacher.

“I was just wondering,” the man said. “Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Golf story – Funny Jokes

June 29, 2007

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.

Woods turns to Wonder and says, “How’s the singing career going?”
Stevie Wonder replies, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?”
Woods replies, “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that going right now.”
Stevie says, “I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”

Tiger says, “You play golf?”

Wonder says, “Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.”
Woods says, “But you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?”Wonder replies, “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the next shot till I get to the green.”
“But how do you putt?” asks Woods.

“Well,” says Stevie, I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice.”

Woods asks, “What’s your handicap?”

Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”

Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”

Woods thinks it over and says, “OK, I’m for that, when would you like to play?”

Stevie says, “Pick a night.”

« Previous PageNext Page »