Funny Riddle…

January 6, 2012

You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off. And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunken ass off the merry-go-round.

SHEEP COUNTER – Funny Jokes

February 15, 2008

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown.

She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

She asked the shepherd, “If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?”

He replied “Sure!” Out of the blue, she blurts out, “352!”

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep.

She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says, “If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!”

THE CHICKEN BUSINESS – Funny Jokes

February 1, 2008

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets’, and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result…The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Vote carefully…the bells are not always audible!

LEMONS – Funny Jokes

December 20, 2007

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
“Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well, as a matter if fact, yes!” she replied? “I’ve been divorced three times.”

Cowboy Logic – Funny Jokes

December 20, 2007

There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a “more humane” solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower’s Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, “Son, I don’t think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain’t fuckin’ our sheep – they’re eatin’ ‘em.”

Australian ventriloquist – Funny Jokes

December 20, 2007

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local man sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi “G’day, mind if I talk to your dog?”

Villager: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”

Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”

Dog: “Doin’ allright.”

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?”(pointing at the villager)

Dog: “Yep”

Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief),

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Kiwi: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either….I think.”

Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool”

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at the villager)

Horse: “Yep”

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Kiwi: (in a panic) “The sheep’s a liar.”

Old Men Still Think – Funny Jokes

December 20, 2007

An elderly man had owned a farm for years.

He had a large lake at the back with lots of fruit trees.

The lake was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore.

One lovely sunny day he decided to go down to the lake as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He took a bucket with him to bring back some fruit. As he neared the lake, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was six young women skinny-dipping, he made them aware of his presence and they all went to a deep part of the lake.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said,

“I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Moral: Old men can still think fast.

Ghost Story – Funny Jokes

November 5, 2007

A professor at the University of West Virginia is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve seen a ghost.

About 40 students raise their hands. “That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?

15 students raise their hands.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost. 3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Billy Bob, way in the back raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

As he reached the front of the room, the professor says, “Well, so tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”

To which Billy Bob replied, “Shiiiiiit!!!. From way back thar I thought you said “Goats”!!

Why We Love Children Part 8 – Funny Jokes

October 23, 2007

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

THE SHEPHERD AND THE MAN – Funny Jokes

October 4, 2007

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?” The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: “Sure. Why not?” The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says: “You have exactly 1,586 sheep”. “That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep,” says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?” The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: “Okay, why not?”. “You’re a consultant,” says the shepherd. “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie. “But how did you guess that?” “No guessing required,” answers the shepherd. “You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked, and you know eff-all about my business. “Now give me back my dog.”

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