George Carlin Quotes

May 20, 2007

A few statements to ponder…George Carlin Quotes

1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
13. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
33. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.
34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
44 If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
46. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

The Jokes of Steven Wright

May 20, 2007

1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there…

4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

6. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

7. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, “The whole time.”

8. So what’s the speed of dark?

9. How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?

10. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

11. Why don’t they just make mouse-flavoured cat food?

12. If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

13. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

14. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

15. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the special Olympics?

16. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

17. When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.

18. If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

19. Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

20. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

21. Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

23. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

24. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

25. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

26. Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? shouldn’t they be called builts?

27. Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

28. Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

29.If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

30. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

31. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

32. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

33. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

34. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

35. Do fish get cramps after eating?

36. Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

37. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

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