Eric O’Shea is Elmo – Funny Jokes

I cant believe I had not found this comedian before, he is awesome, check this youtube out and then see his other related clips on youtube.

A $10,000 phone call – Funny Jokes

An American Decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

‘O.K., thank you,’ said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same ‘$10,000 per call’ sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ’40 cents per call.’

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. ‘Father, I’ve traveled all over America and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?’

The priest smiled and answered, ‘youre in Canada now, son – it’s a local call’.

WORK OR PLEASURE – Funny Jokes

The Captain of a Canadian Ship in Esquimalt was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was ‘work’ and how much of it was ‘pleasure?’ The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Lieutenant (N) said it was 50-50%. The Captain’s Aide, a Sub Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Lieutenant turned to the Leading Seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? With no hesitation, the young Leading Seaman responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”

The Lieutenant was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?!?

“Well, Sir,” began the Leading Seaman, “if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

The room fell silent.

God Bless the Canadian Navy.

YOU MAY LIVE IN CANADA – Funny Jokes

Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about ‘Canucks’

-If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Canada.

-If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Canada.

-If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada.

-If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Canada.

-If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada.

-If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada.

-If you have switched from “Heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada

-If you can drive 90 kms/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada.

-If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Canada.

-If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Canada.

-If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada.

-If the speed limit on the highway is 80km and you’re going 90 but everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada.

-If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada.

-If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Canada

-If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Canada.

-If you find 2 degrees “a little chilly”, you may live in Canada.

-if you spend more money for a snowmobile than you do for a car, you may live in Canada.

THE MIND OF STEPHEN WRIGHT – Funny Jokes

Steven Wright is the guy who once said: “I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.”

His mind sees things differently than we do – to our amazement and amusement.

Here are some more of his gems:

1. Id kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists – they dont expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9. All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12. OK, so whats the speed of dark?
13. How do you tell when youre out of invisible ink?
14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. When everything is coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.
17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19. I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines.
22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23. My mechanic told me, “I couldnt repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25. If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27. Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.
28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time youll have to catch up.

The Translator – Funny Video Jokes

In this video, a translator is needed for a very important international corporate meeting. The guy is at the end of his rope looking for a translator… after all, he doesn’t want to loose the business. Thank goodness, a fine young lady comes to his rescue…

RED SKELTON ON MARRIAGE – Funny Jokes

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, “In the Lake”.
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
13. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”

SEX QUOTES – Famous People Jokes

Tom Clancy: “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”
Steve Martin: “You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.”
Drew Carey: “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damned good.”
Woody Allen: “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
Rodney Dangerfield: “If it weren’t for pickpockets I’d have no sex life at all.”
George Burns: “It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”
George Burns: “Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
Lynn Lavner: “There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes Benz 380SL.”

Nine Things that Piss Me Off – Adam Sandler

Nine Things that Piss Me Off – Adam Sandler

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.

3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

4. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too.” Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can’t eat?

5. When people say “It’s always in the last place you look”. Ofcourse it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

6. When people say, while watching a movie “Did you see that?” No ASSHOLE, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the friggin ceiling up there.

7. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”….. Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

8. When something is “new and improved”, which is it? If it’s new, then it’s an improvement, then it must not be the first one!!

9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole you fucking pulled me over!

Quotes from the Montreal comedy festival

Quotes from the Montreal comedy festival

“I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know.”
—–Franck Dubosc

“I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.”
—–Gary Valentine

“What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse.'”
—–Francois Morency

“The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you’ve got millions of pals out there. Type in ‘Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire’ and the computer will say, ‘Specify type of goat.'”
—–Rich Jeni

“Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.”
—–Tim Steeves

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
—–Jimmy Shubert

“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane : Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.”
—–Rich Jeni

“I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn’t enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec.”
—–Marta Chaves

(On American broadcasters’ decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow) “Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn’t contrast enough. That’s funny, because Americans don’t usually have trouble distinguishing black from white.”
—–Tim Steeves

(On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles) “Who the hell’s got pickle questions?”
—–Tim Steeves

“What’s with squeegee kids? I mean, they don’t really wash the windshield, do they? They simply redistribute the dirt.”
—–Ken Scott

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is.”
—–Lenny Clarke

“I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their houses have wheels.”
—–Carlos Mencia

“The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I’ve dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him.”
—–Rich Jeni

“Montreal’s not a city. It’s a Disney World for alcoholics.”
—–Mike Wilmot

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”
—–Rich Jeni

“Things you’ll never hear a woman say : ‘My, what an attractive scrotum!'”
—–Jeff Green

“What’s with the warning ‘May contain some nudity?’ Well, I have to know for sure.”
—–Tim Steeves

“And then there’s the diner who asks if the fish at a restaurant is fresh. What are they going to tell you? ‘No, it’s four days old and stinks to high heaven.'”
—–Jean-Marie Bigard

“In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you’re a Mexican. In Florida, you’re a Cuban. In New York, you’re a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I’m an Eskimo.”
—–Carlos Mencia

“Why do people suck in their stomachs in when they weigh themselves? So they can see the scale.”
—–Marta Chaves

“I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.”
—–Emo Philips

“My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head.” I saw my president get head.”
—–Elon Gold

“I’m the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario. – after Shania Twain. That’s like being the second-most-famous person from Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem.”
—–Derek Edwards

“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.”
—–Kevin James

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
—–Rich Jeni

Next Page »