Football – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

Football FINALLY makes sense………. A guy took his
blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats
right behind their team’s bench. After the game,
he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why
they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’

I’m like…Helloooooo?

It’s only 25 cents!!!!

Blondes Ears – Funny Jokes

October 11, 2007

what do you call 12 blondes standing ear to ear?

A wind tunnel

Dumb Fish Joke – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

Which day of the week do fish hate?…….
Fry-Day

Lions Win – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

cA hungry lion was chasing a scientist and a philosopher. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it’s no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.
The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you!”

Dumb Monkey Joke – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

What do you call a monkey in a minefield ? A Baboom !

Dumb – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

cWhy do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks

WHEN HALLMARK WRITERS HAVE A BAD DAY – Funny Jokes

June 20, 2007

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire…
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
*************************************

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it…

She moved in with me.

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Looking back over the years
that we’ve been together,

I can’t help but wonder…

“What the hell was I thinking?”

***************************************

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

********************************************

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

**************************************

I’ve always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I’ve changed my mind.

***************************************

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

****************************

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

*******************************************

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go…
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You’ll probably need it again.

********************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky , West Virginia, Arkansas, & Oklahoma)

****************************************

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

*****************************************

When we were together,
you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up,
I think it’s time you kept your promise.

***************************************

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let’s say we stop?

****************************

I’m so miserable without you
it’s almost like you’re here.

****************************************

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

**************************************************

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we’re having you put to sleep.

*******************************************

So your daughter’s a hooker,

and it spoiled your day .
Look at the bright side,

it’s really good pay.

REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS – Funny Jokes

June 20, 2007

Windows 98= Winders 98
OK= ats aw-right
Cancel=stopdat
Reset=Try er agin
My computer=this darned contraption
Yes=yep
No=noop
Go to=over yonder
Back=back yonder
Help=hep me out here
Stop=kwitit
Start=crank er up
Settings=settins
Programs=stuff at duz stuff
Documents=stuff ah done did

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK 4 – Funny Jokes

June 20, 2007

You think “taking out the trash” means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to “Show and Tell.”
The dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
Your pocketknife often doubles as a toothpick.
You own a denim leisure suit.
Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
The dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
You ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you’re at work.
Your father executes the “pull my finger” trick during Christmas dinner.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
You’ve ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
You call your boss “dude”.
You have grease under your toenails.
You’ve ever cleaned fish in your living room.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK 3 – Funny Jokes

June 20, 2007

Your mama can back down a biker.
You ever named a child after a dog.
Your truck has a new sunroof because the shotgun fell off the rack when you slammed the door.
Your sister’s education goal is to get out of high school before she gets pregnant.
You walk your dog & you both use the same tree down on the corner.
A family feud arises Sunday morning between family members who want to watch Jimmy Swaggart and those who want to watch WWF.
A fancy night out for your family is a jaunt through the drive thru window at Hardee’s.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
Dressing up is wearing the flannel shirt without any rips in it.
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
Hitchhikers won’t get in the car with you.
Your idea of foreplay is, “Get in the truck, bitch!”
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
The cockroaches left you a note saying, “Clean this place up!”
Your girl wears a dress that is strapless and a bra that is not.
You have to wash your hands before going to the bathroom.
Your mom French kisses better than your sister.
On Sunday’s people stop by to ask if you’re having a yard sale and you’re not.
When you take your trash to the dump and you return home with more stuff than you left with.
Your family tree doesn’t fork.
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has gotten into a fistfight at a high school sports event.
Your parakeet knows the phrase “Open up, Police!”
You ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You think the best way to keep things cold is to leave ‘em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your mother doesn’t remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
You think the play The King and I is about Elvis.
You ever listed fuzzy dice on an insurance claim.
Your trolling motor used to be a fan in a barbershop.
You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
You use an ironing board as a knick-knack shelf.
You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and your mother.
You’ve ever driven around looking for your porch roof after a bad storm.
Your nicest towels say, “Property of Motel 6″.
You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.
The photo on your driver’s license includes your dog.

Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.
Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You’ve ever given rattraps as gifts.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your mother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

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