ESCAPED CONVICTS – Funny Jokes

February 13, 2008

Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confronted by a policeman. “Hey, arent you those three escaped convicts?” asked the policeman.

Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around at the store signs and said “no, Im Mark, Mark Spencer”, “The second followed his lead and said “My names is William, W H Smith”. The third said “My name is Ken….. Tuckyfriedchicken”.

EYE JOKE – Funny Jokes

February 13, 2008

What did one eye say to the other eye?
“Between you and me, something smells!”

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A COP-Funny Jokes

February 1, 2008

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says “Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with,”Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

THE GENIE-Funny Jokes

February 1, 2008

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little
man, about 9″ high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

“Where on earth did you get that?” says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is
standing before him.

“I will grant you one wish… just one wish… each person is only allowed one!”

The bartender gets real excited without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks!”

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they just keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, “Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a
million bucks, not a million ducks.”

“No shit!!” says the man, “Do you really think I really asked for a 9 inch pianist?!

ONE DAY WHEN I’M RETIRED MAYBE I’LL DO THIS – Funny Jokes

February 1, 2008

“I’m a retired person, and some days I have some free time, soooo…

“Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about five minutes; when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

“I went up to him and said, ‘Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’

“He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.

“He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a bonehead.

“He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

“This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

“Personally, I didn’t care. “I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired. It’s important at my age. I never did find out whose car that was.

Memories of 2007 – Funny Jokes

January 9, 2008

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about the roach bug poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to that sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa ‘s novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to all of you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Strange, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,

Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer use the rest-room in any restaurant because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up a $5.00 bill dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!

And thank you so much, for letting me know to call 911 IMMEDIATELY should I find myself in my bathtub, submerged in ice and missing my kidneys.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 10 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 100 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician…

Have a wonderful day.

Oh, by the way…..A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient mental acuity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late…………

OLMERT’S DINNER AT THE WHITE HOUSE – Funny Jokes

December 20, 2007

Israeli leader Ehud Olmert was in Washington for meetings with George W., for the State Dinner, Laura Bush decides to bring in a special Kosher Chef and have a truly Jewish meal prepared in honor of their guest.

At the dinner that night, the first course is served and it is Matzoh Ball Soup.

George W. looks at this and, after learning what it is called, he tells an aide that he can’t eat such a gross and strange-looking brew.

The aide says that Mr. Olmert will be insulted if he doesn’t at least taste it.

Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all he ate a sheep’s eye in honour of his Arab guests), George W gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitates, swallows, and a grin appears on his face. He finds he really likes it, digs right in, and finishes the whole bowl.

“That was delicious,” he says to Olmert. “Do the Jewish people eat any other part of the matzoh, or just the balls?

HITCH HIKER AND THE BOTTLE OF WINE – Funny Jokes

November 5, 2007

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

“What in bag?” asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband”.

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
“Good trade…..”

POPCORN CHICKEN – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as stuffing. Imagine that!! I thought it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
6-7 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.

When the chicken’s ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.
And, you thought I couldn’t cook.

(not a real recipe, please dont try this at home hehe)

Three little ducks go into a Bar – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

“Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck.
“Huey,” was the reply.
“How’s your day been, Huey?”
“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” said Huey.
“Oh. That’s nice,” said the bartender.
He turned to the second duck, “Hi, and what’s your name?”
“Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two.
“So how’s your day been, Dewey! ?” he asked.
“Great. Lovely day. I’ve had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?”

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, “So, you must be Louie?”

“No,” she said, batting her eyelashes.
“My name is Puddles.”

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