Confession – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

A elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.”

Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”

Man: “What sins?”

Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”

Man: “I’m Jewish.”

Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”

Man: “I’m 92 years old …. I’m telling everybody!”

Brothel Trip – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

“I’m 90 years old,” he says.

“90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”

“Oh, sorry,” says the old man.

“How much do I owe you?”

Pest Control – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

“Quick,” said the woman to the lover, “into the closet!” and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

“Who are you?” he asked him.

“I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,” said the exterminator.

“What are you doing in there?” the husband asked.

“I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,” the man replied.

“And where are your clothes?” asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, “Those little bastards!”

DOG THAT SNORES – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring.
“Yeah right!” she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his testicles. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon tied around his dog’s testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, “I don’t know where we were or what we did. But, by God, we took first and second place!”

Little Johnny Blues – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

A father asked his 10-year old son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears.
“Promise me you won’t tell me.”
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
Little Johnny sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech.

At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech.

If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid,
I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

DON’T MESS WITH A WOMEN – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife’ Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!’ His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go un rewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘What the Hell is this??’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out. ‘April,’ he hollered into the bathroom, ‘Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear? ‘She replied with a snicker…’It’s not talcum powder……It’s ‘Miracle Grow’.’

Marriage (Part I) – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time

I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless

I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.

I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing

When I want with my old buddies, and don’t you

Give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said:

“No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex

Here at seven o’clock every night…whether you’re here or not.”

THE SUNBURN – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with Saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, “What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?”

The doctor replied, “It’ll keep the sheets off his legs.”

SPAGHETTI – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write Spaghetti” on the back.
He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
His wife said, “Honey, you received a very strange post card today.”
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it,” he said.
The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card,
turned white, and collapsed.
On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without!
Request bread.

HOTEL OF THE FUTURE – Funny Jokes

October 11, 2007

A Traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel….. Realizing he needed a hair trim before the next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. “I’m afraid not, sir,” the clerk told him apologetically, “but down the hall is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.” Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted 50 cents, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which disclosed the best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, “Manicures, 25 Cents.” “Why not?”, thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out and they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a huge sign that read, “This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives – 50 Cents.” The salesman looked both ways, put in fifty cents in the machine , unzipped his fly and, with some anticipation, stuck his penis into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis…….now with a button sewed on the end.

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