Eric O’Shea is Elmo – Funny Jokes

I cant believe I had not found this comedian before, he is awesome, check this youtube out and then see his other related clips on youtube.

The Stress Laugh – FUnny Jokes

This has got to be one of the FUNNIEST freakin videos out there… Recently my father sent me a paper he did on stress management in the work force… I would however like to end off that paper with the following…

All the best to my father… hahaha what a laugh this guys has… must be in the yoga.

Ken Lee Bulgarian Idol – Funny Jokes

This little ditty was sent to us today. Now we are not in the habbit of making fun of anyone, and in this case, the lady has a FANTASTIC voice, and is SO CONFIDENT that she knows english, and man it is more fun watching the female judge try not to fall over… really, she is a talented singer, she needs to concentrate on language to perfect things… Good for her for going for it. Ken Lee – Bulgarian Idol (WITH ENGLISH TRANSLATION)

Young Couple on the Beach – Funny Jokes

Sent to us from Liana, and yes, thanks Liana, it did make us laugh…. really cute joke

A healthy young couple decided they wanted to get married would do so at a beautiful warm resort on the beach in the Caribean.

All was set up for the ceremony, the guests were in there chairs slowly sinking in the sand, the groom stood by the alter with a huge smile, and the minister stood patiently alongside awaiting the arrival of the bride to be. The evening was beautiful. The waves from the ocean lapped at the shore and the sun was performing a rich warm sunset.

Then she arrived and walked proudly down the beach holding her flowers and smiling from ear to ear. When she stood in front of the minister she put down the flowers and everyone saw she was topless.

The minister stopped and advised the young woman, “I can’t marry you like that, its not right.”

The young bride looked him in the eye and said, “yes you can, I have a divine right.”

The minister responded by saying; “yes you have a divine right, and you also have a divine left, but I can’t marry you dressed like that.”

GOOD GRIEF! I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT! – Funny Jokes

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1½ years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favourite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!!’

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?

LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER – Funny Jokes

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and
Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost but I don’t know him well enough to
discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around and, when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober. (I love this one!!)

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going
through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in
sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in
sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

LEXOPHILES AT WORK – Funny Jokes

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me
2. Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
4. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
5. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder & got a little behind in his work.
6. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
7. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
8. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
9. A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
10. A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
12. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
13. A dentist & a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
14. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
15. A will is a dead giveaway.
16. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
17. A backward poet writes inverse
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
19. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
20. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
21. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I’ll show you A-flat miner.
22. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
23. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
24. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
25. A calendar’s days are numbered.
26. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
27. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
28. He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.
29. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
30. When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
31. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
32. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
33. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
34. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE – Funny Jokes

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts: Do You Want Fries With That?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs. A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Weston.

29. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN – Funny Jokes

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, “Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”

Forrest responds, “It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard.

Life was a big enough test as it was.”

St. Peter continued, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God’s first name?”

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers”

Forrest replied, “Well, the first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter “T”?

Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.”

The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, “Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?” asked St. Peter.

“How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,” replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter said, “Twelve?

Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

Forrest replied, “Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd… ”

“Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind….but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God’s first name”?

“Sure,” Forrest replied, “it’s Andy.”

“Andy?” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

“Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the
world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”

“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song, “ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.”

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: “Run Forrest, run.”

Airplane Video Humour – Funny Jokes

Joking around combined with Flight and Aircrafts have GOT to be my absolute favourite combo. When people get creative enough and put something cool together, I love watching the end result.

This commercial is an example of how Xbox is working hard to get creative¦ the aircraft look quite real (aside from a few of the obvious impossibilities)¦ I would kinda like to take one for a spin¦ And as always¦ adding a German to the mix makes things even funnier somehow¦

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