LIFE ON THE LINKS! – Funny Jokes

September 24, 2007

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place
her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her
husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to
afford any.” The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
“For the sake of decency, here’s $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”
Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. Her husband says
“Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?” She replies, “I
can’t afford any on the money you give me.” He reaches into his pocket and
says, “For the sake of decency, here’s $20. Go and buy yourself some
underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. Her husband says “Sweet
mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?” She too explains,
“You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.” The Scotsman
reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a
comb… Tidy yerself up a bit.”

Harvard Corrects – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

A Sherlock Holmes Problem – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Redneck Hunters – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

A couple of Redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do? The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?

AN OLD COWHAND-Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

There was an old cowhand who owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage & Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.”I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.
“Well,” replied the rancher, “There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.”

“The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.”

“Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied the rancher.

WHY MEN STARTED WEARING EARRINGS – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

I always wondered how this trend got started and now I know.A man notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

“So,” he says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make a big deal of it, it’s only an earring,” the co-worker replies peevishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

LONE RANGER AND TONTO GO CAMPING – Funny Jokes

June 29, 2007

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and
Says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?”

The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”

“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are Millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What’s it tell you, Tonto?”

“You dumber than buffalo shit.

Someone stole tent.”

An Irish priest in Texas – Funny Jokes

June 25, 2007

Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new
Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:
“Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”
“And the best of the day to yourself¦ This is Father O’Malley at St. Brigid’s . There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter?”
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!”
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”

IT COULD ONLY HAPPEN DOWNUNDER – Funny Jokes

June 20, 2007

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchkock tale, it’s true.
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and as it drew level it stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, before he realized there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on!

The car started moving slowly forward. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he reached the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.

John, paralyzed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. He then saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila.

He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just gone through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and….he wasn’t drunk.

About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, “Look, Bruce . . . Theres the bloody idiot who got in the car while we were pushing it.”

REDNECK CONTEST – Funny Jokes

June 20, 2007

Two rednecks drive through a gas station to fill up their truck. They notice a sign saying “Enter here for a chance at free sex!” They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter. The attendant says that they have to guess a number between one and ten. The first guy guesses five. The attendant says, “Sorry, but the number is eight.”
The second guy guesses seven and the attendant says, “Sorry, but the number was three.”
As the two rednecks drive away, one of them turns to the other and says, “You know, I think that contest was
rigged.”
The second guy, the smarter of the two, replies, “Naw, it’s on the up and up. My wife won twice last week.”]

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