Australian ventriloquist – Funny Jokes

December 20, 2007

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local man sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi “G’day, mind if I talk to your dog?”

Villager: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”

Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”

Dog: “Doin’ allright.”

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?”(pointing at the villager)

Dog: “Yep”

Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief),

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Kiwi: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either….I think.”

Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool”

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at the villager)

Horse: “Yep”

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Kiwi: (in a panic) “The sheep’s a liar.”

Old Men Still Think – Funny Jokes

December 20, 2007

An elderly man had owned a farm for years.

He had a large lake at the back with lots of fruit trees.

The lake was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore.

One lovely sunny day he decided to go down to the lake as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He took a bucket with him to bring back some fruit. As he neared the lake, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was six young women skinny-dipping, he made them aware of his presence and they all went to a deep part of the lake.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said,

“I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Moral: Old men can still think fast.

THE LAST 15 SECONDS BEFORE A CRASH – Funny Jokes

December 20, 2007

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV’s in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh Shit!”Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:”Hold my beer, I’m gonna try somethin”

HITCH HIKER AND THE BOTTLE OF WINE – Funny Jokes

November 5, 2007

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

“What in bag?” asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband”.

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
“Good trade…..”

Ghost Story – Funny Jokes

November 5, 2007

A professor at the University of West Virginia is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve seen a ghost.

About 40 students raise their hands. “That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?

15 students raise their hands.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost. 3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Billy Bob, way in the back raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

As he reached the front of the room, the professor says, “Well, so tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”

To which Billy Bob replied, “Shiiiiiit!!!. From way back thar I thought you said “Goats”!!

Ghost Story – Funny Jokes

November 5, 2007

A professor at the University of West Virginia is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve seen a ghost.

About 40 students raise their hands. “That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?

15 students raise their hands.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost. 3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Billy Bob, way in the back raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

As he reached the front of the room, the professor says, “Well, so tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”

To which Billy Bob replied, “Shiiiiiit!!!. From way back thar I thought you said “Goats”!!

Molly the Camel – Funny Jokes

November 5, 2007

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Iraqi desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, ‘Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ‘urges’

That’s why we have Molly the Camel.’

The Captain says, ‘I can’t say that I condone this, but I understand about ‘urges’, so the camel can stay.’

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own ‘urges’. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he’s done, he asks the Sergeant, ‘Is that how the men do it?

No not really, sir… ‘They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are’.

THE NUN AT HOOTERS – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.

“Well, in that case I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”

“But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see, laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statute, the lights go out.”

“Now, how about that drink?”

Newfoundland Bar – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

Recently a routine RCMP patrol parked outside a bar just off the main Highway at Goobies, Newfoundland.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar who was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.

A number of other patrons failed to observe this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it as a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, ‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.’

‘I doubt it,’ said the truly proud Newfoundlander, ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy.’

Lonely Out on the Farm – Funny Jokes

October 2, 2007

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

“Name’s Enoch… Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge… Having a party Saturday… Thought you’d like to come.”

“Great,” says Sam, “after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Enoch is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”

“Not a problem… After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”

“Damn”, Sam thinks… “Tough crowd.” “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”

“Now that’s not a problem” says Sam, “Remember I’ve been alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there… By the way, what should I wear?”

Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”

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