COMPUTER USERS OVER 40 – Funny Jokes

June 8, 2007

A computer was something on TV From a Science Fiction show of note A window was something you hated to clean And ram was the father of a goat. Meg was the name of my girlfriend And gig was a job for the nights Now they all mean different things And that really mega bytes. An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano. A Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3-in. floppy You hoped nobody found out Compress was something you did to the garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You’d be in jail for a while. Log on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode. Cut you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider’s home And a virus was the flu. I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head. I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead.

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO – Funny Jokes

June 8, 2007

Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbott: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbott: That’s great, Lou. What did you get? Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig Hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM. Abbott: That’s terrific, Lou Costello: But I don’t know what any of it means!! Abbott: You will in time. Costello: That’s exactly why I am here to see you. Abbott: Oh? Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert. Abbott: Well, I don’t know… Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you’re going to train me. Abbott: Really? Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson. Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know? Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off. Abbott: That’s true. Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer, and I want to turn it off. What do I do? Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then… Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off. Abbott: I know, you press the Start button… Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do. Abbott: I did. Costello: When? Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button. Costello: Why should I press the Start button? Abbott: To shut off the computer. Costello: I press Start to stop. Abbott: Well Start doesn’t actually stop the computer. Costello: I knew it! So what do I press. Abbott: Start. Costello: Start what? Abbott: Start button. Costello: Start button to do what? Abbott: Shut down. Costello: You don’t have to get rude! Abbott: No, no, no! That’s not what I meant. Costello: Then say what you mean. Abbott: To shut down the computer, press… Costello: Don’t say, “Start!” Abbott: Then what do you want me to say? Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button,the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop. Abbott: But that’s what you do. Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights. Abbott: Don’t be ridiculous. Costello: I’m being ridiculous? Well, I think it’s about time we started this conversation. Abbott: What are you talking about? Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

Mailbox – Funny Jokes

June 8, 2007

A blonde went outside to check her mailbox, and her neighbor kept an eye on her, she had no mail, so she went back inside her house. Two minutes later, the same blonde went outside for the 2nd time to check her mailbox, and still, she had no mail, and the neighbor was confused. One minute later, again the woman comes outside to check her mailbox for the 3rd time, and again, she had no mail. This time, her neighbor went up to her and said, “The Mailman won’t be here for another 3 more hours, why do you keep on checking your mail?”. The blonde said, “Oh, because my computer keeps on saying, “You’ve got mail”.

E-mail – Funny Jokes

June 8, 2007

It’s wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

Vermont – Funny Jokes

June 8, 2007

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

“Names Enoch… Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge… Having a party Saturday… thought you’d like to come.”

“Great,” says Sam, “after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Enoch is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”

“Not a problem… after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”

Damn, Sam thinks… tough crowd. “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”

“Now that’s not a problem” says Sam, “Remember I’ve been alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there … by the way, what should I wear?

Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”

GATES VS. GM – Funny Jokes

May 31, 2007

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
“If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash… twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.

You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

Computers Jokes

May 23, 2007

General Motors doesn’t have a “help line” for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers-but imagine if they did …

HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?” CUSTOMER: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!” HELPLINE: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?” CUSTOMER: “What’s an ignition?” HELPLINE: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.” CUSTOMER: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?”

HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?” CUSTOMER: “My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!” HELPLINE: “Is the gas tank empty?” CUSTOMER: “Huh? How do I know?” HELPLINE: “There’s a little guage on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F.’ Where is the needle pointing?” CUSTOMER: “It’s pointing to ‘E.’ What does that mean?” HELPLINE: “It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.” CUSTOMER: “What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”

HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?” CUSTOMER: “Your car sucks!” HELPLINE: “What’s wrong?” CUSTOMER: “It crashed, that’s what went wrong!” HELPLINE: “What were you doing?” CUSTOMER: “I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed-and now it won’t start!” HELPLINE: “It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?” CUSTOMER: “I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn’t crash anymore!”

HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?” CUSTOMER: “Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.” HELPLINE: “Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?” CUSTOMER: “How do I work it?” HELPLINE: “Do you know how to drive?” CUSTOMER: “Do I know how to what?” HELPLINE: “Do you know how to drive?” CUSTOMER: “I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!”

SIGNS YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE MODERN LIVE

May 22, 2007

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards for years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you to ask:
“Do you wanna go get a Coke?”; and he replies: “Yeah, give me five mins”
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America,
but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbour yet this year.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they
are not online.
7. Your idea of being organized is multiple coloured post-it notes.
8. You hear most of your jokes via email rather than in person.
9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the
phone in a business like manner.
10. When you make phone calls from home, you automatically dial a
“9″ to get an outside line.
11. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
12. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay increase.
13. You know exactly how many days you’ve got left until you retire.
14. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
15. Being sick is defined as you can’t walk or you’re in the hospital.
16. You’re already late on the assignment you just received.
17. Your relatives and friends describe your job as “works with computers”.
18. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE…
19. You read this entire list and you keep nodding and smiling.
20. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your E-MAIL
BUDDIES.
21. It crosses your mind that your “jokes group” may have already seen
this list but you don’t have time to check so you forward it anyway.

ODE TO THE SPELL CHECKER

May 22, 2007

Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.

Husband 1.0

May 22, 2007

To: Tech Support RE: Your program titled “Husband 1.0″

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner-Dancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3 and Opera-Ballet Night 6.1 and installs new and undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, ESPN 3.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5 Conversation 8.0 runs only intermittently and invariable crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run Diaper Changing 6.1 or Housecleaning 2.6. It will occasionally run CarWash 1.0, but only after running Nagging 5.3, and this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please?!?!?!

Signed, Jane

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about , but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely and ENTERTAINMENT package, while Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by it’s creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would only cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0 and nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and should be expected from Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of the “old time” favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0 of Husband 2.0. BEWARE: these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support.” You will notice that this program runs very poorly and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I highly recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF’s). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of the root cause. To activate this great feature, enter the command “C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.” Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and FlowersChocolate 7.8.

TECH TIP: Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPF’s. and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a VERY BAD program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this Tech Tip!

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 4.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After a few years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar to you and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A FINAL WORD OF CAUTION: DO NOT under ANY circumstances install MotherInLaw 1.0!!! This is not a supported applicaiton and will cause selective shutdown of the operation system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 8.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best in the coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Sincerely,

Tech Support

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