A MAN, A DOG, AND THE 2021 – Funny Jokes

There is a story about the data centre of the year 2021.

This data centre runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog.

The mans job is to feed the rottweiler.

The rottweilers job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.

Memories of 2007 – Funny Jokes

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about the roach bug poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to that sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa ‘s novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to all of you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Strange, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,

Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer use the rest-room in any restaurant because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up a $5.00 bill dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!

And thank you so much, for letting me know to call 911 IMMEDIATELY should I find myself in my bathtub, submerged in ice and missing my kidneys.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 10 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 100 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician…

Have a wonderful day.

Oh, by the way…..A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient mental acuity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late…………

Abbott and Costello & Computers – Funny Jokes

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on…

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, “Who’s on First?” might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, ! for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START”………….

Airplane Video Humour – Funny Jokes

Joking around combined with Flight and Aircrafts have GOT to be my absolute favourite combo. When people get creative enough and put something cool together, I love watching the end result.

This commercial is an example of how Xbox is working hard to get creative¦ the aircraft look quite real (aside from a few of the obvious impossibilities)¦ I would kinda like to take one for a spin¦ And as always¦ adding a German to the mix makes things even funnier somehow¦

Life Explained Using Technology – Funny Jokes

A STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT – Funny Jokes

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
“You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,” the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. “The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and,” pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student’s litany and said, “You’re right, son. We didn’t have those things when we were young……..so we invented them.

Now,you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?”

The applause was resounding…

Computer Error – Funny Jokes

Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you “ain’t seen nuthin'” yet. This is anexcerpt from a Wall Street Journal article: 1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “PressReturn Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “Send” key. 4. Yet another, Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water! and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. 5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “Bad and an invalid.” The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally. 6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it couldn’t find the printer. The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but that his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer. 7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get hernew Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. “The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse. 8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power button, she asked, “What power button?” 9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. “I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn’t even fit it in…” The user hadn’t realized that “Insert Disk 2” implied to remove Disk 1 first. 10. A story from a Novel NetWire SysOp: CALLER: “Hello, is this Tech Support?” TECH: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?” CALLER: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?” TECH: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?” CALLER: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.” TECH: “Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?” CALLER: “It came with my computer. I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has 4X on it.” At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn’t stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive. 11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The girl sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and her printer is working fine.” 12. And last but not least: TECH SUPPORT: “Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.” CUSTOMER: “I don’t have a P.” TECH SUPPORT: “On your keyboard, Bob.” CUSTOMER: “What do you mean?” TECH SUPPORT: “P, on your keyboard, Bob.” CUSTOMER: “I’m not going to do that!”

Lonely Out on the Farm – Funny Jokes

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

“Name’s Enoch… Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge… Having a party Saturday… Thought you’d like to come.”

“Great,” says Sam, “after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Enoch is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”

“Not a problem… After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ’em.”

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”

“Damn”, Sam thinks… “Tough crowd.” “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”

“Now that’s not a problem” says Sam, “Remember I’ve been alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there… By the way, what should I wear?”

Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”

REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS – Funny Jokes

Windows 98= Winders 98
OK= ats aw-right
Cancel=stopdat
Reset=Try er agin
My computer=this darned contraption
Yes=yep
No=noop
Go to=over yonder
Back=back yonder
Help=hep me out here
Stop=kwitit
Start=crank er up
Settings=settins
Programs=stuff at duz stuff
Documents=stuff ah done did

ENTER THE 2000’s – Funny Jokes

You know you’re living in the 2002s when…

1.You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2.You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3.You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach yourfamily of three.
4.You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5.Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 6.When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7.When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a “9” to get an outside line.
8.You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10.Your CV is on a disk in your pocket.
11.You learn about your redundancy on the 11o’clock news.
12.Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
13.Your boss dosen’t have the ability to do your job.
14.Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
18. Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, but you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
19. Being sick is defined as you can’t walk or you’re in hospital.
20. There’s no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss’s boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers”. AND THE CLINCHERS ARE…
22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your “friends”.
24. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
25. AND YOU ARE TOO BUSY TO NOTICE THAT THERE WAS NO Number. 9 Does this ring true???????

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