No Nursing Home for Me – Funny Jokes

December 20, 2007

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc, all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, “I understand you’ve been on this ship for the last four cruises”. She replied, “Yes, that’s true.” I stated, “I don’t understand” and she replied, without a pause, “It’s cheaper than a nursing home”.

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meal s a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. Broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don’t even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti , Australia , New Zealand , Asia , or name where you want to go?

Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don’t look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
PS: And don’t forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side – No charge.

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40 -Funny Jokes

November 5, 2007

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Airplane Video Humour – Funny Jokes

October 27, 2007

Joking around combined with Flight and Aircrafts have GOT to be my absolute favourite combo. When people get creative enough and put something cool together, I love watching the end result.

This commercial is an example of how Xbox is working hard to get creative¦ the aircraft look quite real (aside from a few of the obvious impossibilities)¦ I would kinda like to take one for a spin¦ And as always¦ adding a German to the mix makes things even funnier somehow¦

Life Explained Using Technology – Funny Jokes

October 25, 2007

Life Explained

Why We Love Children Part 6 – Funny Jokes

October 23, 2007

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your butt?”

Why We Love Children Part 4 – Funny Jokes

October 23, 2007

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”

Why We Love Children Part 3 – Funny Jokes

October 23, 2007

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”

Why We Love Children Part 1 – Funny Jokes

October 23, 2007

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.

“How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.

“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

“You know,”explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

Homer – Funny Jokes

October 23, 2007

Whats homer simpson’s favorite ice creem?

Cholocate chip cooke d’oh

The World’s Shortest Fairy Tale – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?” The girl said, “NO!”

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever she wanted, never argued, didn’t get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn’t save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time. THE END

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