Eric O’Shea is Elmo – Funny Jokes

May 6, 2008

I cant believe I had not found this comedian before, he is awesome, check this youtube out and then see his other related clips on youtube.

Ken Lee Bulgarian Idol – Funny Jokes

March 14, 2008

This little ditty was sent to us today. Now we are not in the habbit of making fun of anyone, and in this case, the lady has a FANTASTIC voice, and is SO CONFIDENT that she knows english, and man it is more fun watching the female judge try not to fall over… really, she is a talented singer, she needs to concentrate on language to perfect things… Good for her for going for it. Ken Lee – Bulgarian Idol (WITH ENGLISH TRANSLATION)

QUESTIONS ABOUT CANADA – Funny Jokes

February 1, 2008

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(From England ) A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q:Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (From USA )

A: Depends on how much you’ve been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto – can I follow the Railroad tracks? (From Sweden )

A: Sure, it’s only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q:Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ?(From Sweden )

A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (From England )

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (From USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North…oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q:Which direction is North in Canada ? (From USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ?(From England )

A: Why not just use your fingers like we do .

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (From USA )

A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? (From Germany )

A: No, WE don’t need it as WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ?(From USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (From Italy )

A: Yes, gay nightclubs ..

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? (From USA )

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(From Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns. (From USA )

A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

LEXOPHILES AT WORK – Funny Jokes

February 1, 2008

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me
2. Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
4. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
5. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder & got a little behind in his work.
6. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
7. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
8. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
9. A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
10. A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
12. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
13. A dentist & a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
14. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
15. A will is a dead giveaway.
16. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
17. A backward poet writes inverse
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
19. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
20. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
21. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I’ll show you A-flat miner.
22. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
23. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
24. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
25. A calendar’s days are numbered.
26. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
27. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
28. He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.
29. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
30. When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
31. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
32. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
33. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
34. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

AIN’T IT THE TRUTH-Funny Jokes

February 1, 2008

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. Think about this … No one ever says “It’s only a game” when his team is winning.

14. I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap. 15. Be careful reading the fine print. There’s no way you’re going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!).

18. Money can’t buy happiness — but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. If you can’t change your mind, are you sure YOU have one!!??

20. After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

THE EXPRESS LANE – Funny Jokes

December 20, 2007

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which eight items would you like to buy?”

Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?

Abbott and Costello & Computers – Funny Jokes

December 20, 2007

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on…

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, “Who’s on First?” might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, ! for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START”………….

LIFE – Funny Jokes

December 20, 2007

Life isnt like a bowl of cherries or peaches its more like a bottle of Tabasco sauce.What you do today may burn your backside tomorrow..

1981 & 2005 – two interesting years – Funny Jokes

December 20, 2007

Interesting Year 1981:
1. Prince Charles got married
2.Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3.Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

Interesting Year 2005:
1. Prince Charles got married
2 Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3.Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

Lesson Learned:
The next time Prince Charles gets married .. Someone warn the Pope

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE – Funny Jokes

December 20, 2007

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts: Do You Want Fries With That?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs. A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Weston.

29. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

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