THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

We Must Stop This Immediately !
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper? Groceries are heavier? And, everything is farther away? Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn’t even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. . Well, REALLY NOW!! – Even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You’re risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually “believe” the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they’re fooling?

I’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on — but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL -Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position
right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to
cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat
process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with
left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold
mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from
garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore
low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new
ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from heart h and
set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below
armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down
drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in
cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert
spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch
bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for
date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil
wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it Hold head vertically and pour
2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if
they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

TIPS FOR INVESTING THOSE BIG BUCKS THIS YEAR – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

Maybe I shouldn’t give you some of these, but here goes:
Investment tips for 2007: For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2007.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally …

9. Victoria ‘s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang

THE POPE€™S DRIVER – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.”Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver,” Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”"Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.”"I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.
“Who’s going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he’s German.)

“Please slow down, Your Holiness!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license — and my job!” moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

“I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

“So bust him,” says the Chief.

“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really big,” said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,” All the more reason!”

“No, I mean really important,” said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: ” The Governor?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: “The President?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?”

Cop: “I think it’s God!”

The Chief is stumped, ” You been drinking, John? ”
Cop: ” No Sir.”

Chief: ” Then what makes you think it’s God?”

Cop: “He’s got the Pope as a chauffeur!”

The Insult – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

RETIREMENT – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

WHAT DO RETIRED PEOPLE DO ALL DAY?Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, ‘Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So, I
called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn’t care. I came downtown on the bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired.

It’s important at my age…

A QUESTION OF BILLING – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, “Hey, where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.”
The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?”

The one-dollar bill said, “You know, same old stuff… church, church, church.”

Little Johnny’s First Summer Camp – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Camp Director told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam’s mother and tell her he is okay. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning.Camp Director Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Camp Director Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Camp Director Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance.

We think it’s a neat bus. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Camp Director Keith is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Camp Director Keith wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it’s concrete because we didn’t have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Camp Director Keith isn’t crabby like some Camp Directors. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Camp Director Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our Camp Director. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what’s a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it’s my turn to sleep in the Camp Director’s tent.

Love, Johnny

WHEN HALLMARK WRITERS HAVE A BAD DAY – Funny Jokes

June 20, 2007

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire…
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
*************************************

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it…

She moved in with me.

****************************************

Looking back over the years
that we’ve been together,

I can’t help but wonder…

“What the hell was I thinking?”

***************************************

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

********************************************

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

**************************************

I’ve always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I’ve changed my mind.

***************************************

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

****************************

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

*******************************************

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go…
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You’ll probably need it again.

********************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky , West Virginia, Arkansas, & Oklahoma)

****************************************

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

*****************************************

When we were together,
you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up,
I think it’s time you kept your promise.

***************************************

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let’s say we stop?

****************************

I’m so miserable without you
it’s almost like you’re here.

****************************************

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

**************************************************

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we’re having you put to sleep.

*******************************************

So your daughter’s a hooker,

and it spoiled your day .
Look at the bright side,

it’s really good pay.

NO EXCUSE SUNDAY – Funny Jokes

June 20, 2007

To make it possible for everyone to attend this Sunday, our church is going to have a “No Excuses Sunday”.
Cots and hammocks will be placed in the aisle for those who say, “Sunday is my only day to sleep in”.

Eye drops and extra coffee will be provided for those with tired eyes from watching TV or partying late Saturday night.

Day care will be provided as always for those who find it difficult to worship with their children running amok among the pews.

There will be a special section with padded recliner chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.

Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who feel ill.

We will have steel hard hats and fire retardant suits available for those who say, “The roof would cave in if I ever came to church”. Or, “I would spontaneously combust if I ever set foot into a church”.

One section will be decorated with trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.

Scorecards and pens will be provided for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.

Blankets will be furnished for those who say the church is too cold and portable fans for those who say it is too hot.

Our worship team will play a variety of musical accompaniments for those who feel that the hymns are too dull or that the contemporary service is too contemporary or not contemporary enough.

And finally, the sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas wreaths and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.

See you on Sunday, No Excuses!

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