LAWYERS – Funny Jokes

October 23, 2007

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too closely and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.” “How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer. The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.” “My God!” screamed the lawyer. “Where’s my Rolex?”


October 20, 2007

We Must Stop This Immediately !
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper? Groceries are heavier? And, everything is farther away? Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn’t even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. . Well, REALLY NOW!! – Even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You’re risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually “believe” the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they’re fooling?

I’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on — but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:


October 20, 2007

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got umps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull … But that’s not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here’s the worst of it —

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter. ….either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

THE POPE€™S DRIVER – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.”Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver,” Would you please take your seat so we can leave?””Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.””I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.
“Who’s going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he’s German.)

“Please slow down, Your Holiness!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license — and my job!” moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

“I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

“So bust him,” says the Chief.

“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really big,” said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,” All the more reason!”

“No, I mean really important,” said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: ” The Governor?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: “The President?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?”

Cop: “I think it’s God!”

The Chief is stumped, ” You been drinking, John? ”
Cop: ” No Sir.”

Chief: ” Then what makes you think it’s God?”

Cop: “He’s got the Pope as a chauffeur!”


August 21, 2007

Little Johnny was a curious little guy and was always asking questions. One day, when his aunt was visiting, he went into his typical interrogation. Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, how old are you? Auntie: Well Johnny, that’s not a question that you ask a lady. Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, how much do you weigh? Auntie: Johnny! That’s not a question you ask a lady. Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, why don’t you and your boyfriend sleep in the same bed? Auntie: Johnny, stop this! That’s not a question you ask a lady! Johnny went off to play but the next day he was talking to his aunt again. Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, I know how old you are. You’re 32 years old. Auntie: Johnny! How do you know that? Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, I know how much you weigh. You’re 135 pounds. Auntie: Johnny! How do you know that? Johnny: And Auntie, Auntie, Auntie. I know why you don’t sleep in the same bed as your boyfriend. Auntie: Johnny! Stop this! How do you know all this? Johnny: Well, I found your driver’s license last night. Here it says that you’re 32 years old and here it says that you weigh 135 pounds. And right down here it explains why you don’t sleep in the same bed as your boyfriend. Auntie: Where does it say that?
Johnny: Right here. It says you got an “F” in Sex.

Fish Joke – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says Do you know how to drive this?

The Insult – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Little Johnny & Flashing Lights – Funny Jokes

June 29, 2007

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the highway with her 7-yr.-old son, Little Johnny. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.After getting caught in a large group of car’s flying down the road she looked at her speedometer to see she is doing
15 miles over the speed limit. Slowing down she moved over to the side and got out of the line of cars.
She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car.
Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car. As he did he said, “Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?”

Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, “I do! — Because you couldn’t catch the other cars.


June 20, 2007

You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”
You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You’ve ever stolen toilet paper.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
You go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You’ve ever had to scratch your sister’s name out of a message that begins, “For a good time call..”

EUPHEMISMS – funny jokes

June 11, 2007

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down and his fly area was wide open.His secretary walked up to him and said, “Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?”
This was not a phrase her boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paperwork, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood.

Then he intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. When he reached her desk, he said, “When you saw the garage door open did you see my Hummer parked in there?”

The secretary smiled for a moment and said, “No boss, I didn’t. All I saw was a mini van with 2 flat tires.”

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