10 WAYS TO LIVEN UP YOUR BOSS€™S MEETINGS — Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the ‘real’ reason this meeting has been called.
Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one considered important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.
Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
Arrange to have a poorly dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, “Well, here’s the way I see it, J.D.” (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss’s.)
Complain loudly that your neighbour won’t stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say “uh-huh, uh-huh!”

A LITTLE MONKEY BUSINESS – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he’s there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey, please”.

The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying “That’ll be $5,000”. The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, “That was a very expensive monkey, most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”

“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shop keeper, “That one’s even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff.”

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000.

He gasps to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”

“Well,” says the shopkeeper, “I don’t know if it actually does anything, but it calls itself a Consultant.”

TEMPLATE – RESPONDING TO A REJECTION LETTER – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

The next time you get a rejection letter from a prospective employer.
Dear [name of the person who sent the rejection letter],

Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation/job change, holiday, etc. – get creative here]. I look forward to working with you.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

THE BOSS€™S RUDE DILEMMA – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he’d fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.
But both employees came to work very early, so the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he’d wait to see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, “Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don’t know whether to lay you or Jack off.”

Jill said, “Well, you’d better jack off, because I’m late for my bus.”

THE NEED TO COMMUNICATE FULLY – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

STORY ABOUT EVERYBODY -Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

QUOTES FROM POOR EMPLOYEE APPRAISAL REPORTS -Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
His staff would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I would not allow this associate to breed.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a puddle.

This young person has delusions of adequacy.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This associate should go far – and the sooner he starts the better.

This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS – Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.

When you please your boss, you’re brown-nosing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.

WATCH OUT FOR JOB SEARCH TERMINOLOGY — Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

COMPETITIVE SALARY
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
FLEXIBLE HOURS
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD
You whine, you’re fired.

CAREER-MINDED
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.

SELF-MOTIVATED
Management won’t answer questions

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
Some time each night and some time each weekend

DUTIES WILL VARY
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT
We have a lot of turnover.

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER
We’re not going to supply you with leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED
If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR FALLING ASLEEP AT WORK— Funny Jokes

August 21, 2007

“This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.”
“I wasn’t sleeping, I was trying to pick up a contact lens without using my hands.”
“I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
“This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
“Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”
“I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.”
“Amen”
“Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
“Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

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