LARRY€™S BAR – Funny Jokes

December 20, 2007

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy.

What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar

Drunk Airline Pilot – Funny Jokes

November 5, 2007

This is a clip from the Dean Martin Show (a show way back in the late 1960′s)… Foster Brooks (the white haired dude) was a regular on his show. Dean (the dark haired guy) had a comedy hour that featured stars like Johnny Carson, Jack Benny and acts like The Gold Diggers. Noteworthy also, are Dean’s “Roasts” of celebrities that could be quite raunchy for the time.

They dont have TV like this anymore, but from these guys, came the next generation of TV comedy hosts like Late Night with David Letterman, and Jay Leno, and so on…

Anyway, now that your history is up to date, the main thing is that gems like this are just not found on TV anymore… it is good OLD SCHOOL humour. I love it.

JUST THREE WISHES – Funny Jokes

November 5, 2007

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him..
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the
ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be
$9.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A
hamburger, fries and a coke.”
The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the
waitress.
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,” says the man.
“Same,” says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change in your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp.

When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “What’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

THE NUN AT HOOTERS – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.

“Well, in that case I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”

“But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see, laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statute, the lights go out.”

“Now, how about that drink?”

Three little ducks go into a Bar – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

“Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck.
“Huey,” was the reply.
“How’s your day been, Huey?”
“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” said Huey.
“Oh. That’s nice,” said the bartender.
He turned to the second duck, “Hi, and what’s your name?”
“Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two.
“So how’s your day been, Dewey! ?” he asked.
“Great. Lovely day. I’ve had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?”

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, “So, you must be Louie?”

“No,” she said, batting her eyelashes.
“My name is Puddles.”

Newfoundland Bar – Funny Jokes

October 20, 2007

Recently a routine RCMP patrol parked outside a bar just off the main Highway at Goobies, Newfoundland.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar who was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.

A number of other patrons failed to observe this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it as a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, ‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.’

‘I doubt it,’ said the truly proud Newfoundlander, ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy.’

BLONDES CAN BE BRAVE TOO – Funny Jokes

October 4, 2007

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.” The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals – unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try” she said, “but only if you’ll promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle”

The Puzzle – Funny Jokes

October 4, 2007

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” The bartender can’t contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child’s puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, “What’s all the chanting and celebration about?” The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, “Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2 – 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!”

Guy in the bar – Funny Jokes

October 4, 2007

a guy walked into a bar…….ouch!!!!

Little Leprechaun – Funny Jokes

October 3, 2007

One day this man is sitting in a bar, drinking, when this little leprechaun jumps up on the bar stool next to him, jumps up on the bar, spits in the man’s face, and runs away. The man wiped his face and was thinking,”oh, man, that was so nasty!” The next day, the same man is in the same bar drinking when here comes the little leprechaun. It jumps up on the bar stool next to him, jumps up on the bar,spits in the man’s face, and runs away. The man angrily wiped his face and thought to himself,”If that leprechaun does that again, I’m goin’ to cut off his penis.” The next day, the man sat at the bar waitin’ for the leprechaun. He kept ordering drinks after drinks after drinks. Finally, the little leprechaun came, jumped up on the bar stool next to him and jumped up on the bar. The man grabbed the leprechaun, took out his knife, pulled down his pants, and there was nothing there! So he asks the leprechaun,”How do you piss?” The leprechaun spits in his face and runs away.

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