SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

You Don’t Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don’t even have to

like ‘em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned

on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet

and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and

we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want

the cat shut in the house be cause she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat

runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t

want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.. So, she

explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as

we drove away. That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her

with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I

grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a Blanket to keep her

from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass Downstairs and threw

her out into the back yard!’

The cab driver hit a parked car.

FLY IN THE TOILET – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

Went to the men’s room in the Schiphol Airport (Netherlands) when we got to Amsterdam, I saw the fly and didn’t think much about it. Now I know why it was there!

Who says you can’t potty train a man?

A man, an ostrich, and a cat – Funny Jokes

February 15, 2008

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar.

The bartender walks over to them and says, “What can I get for you?”

The man says, “Ill have a beer”, the ostrich says, “Ill have a beer”, and the cat says, “Ill have half a beer and Im not buying.” So the bartender says, “OK, that will be $3.87.”

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, “Whatll you guys have?”

The man says, “Ill have a beer”, the ostrich says, “Ill have a beer”, and the cat says “Ill have half a beer and Im not buying.” The bartender gets them their beer and says “Thatll be $3.87.”

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks, “What do you guys want today?”

The man says, “Ill have a scotch”, the ostrich says, “Ill have a bourbon”, and the cat says, “Ill have half a beer and Im not buying.” So the bartender says “OK, that will be $7.53.” The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartenders curiosity got the best of him and he asks, “Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?”

The man said, “I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy.”

The bartender says, “Thats a great wish…better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?”

The man says, “Thats where I screwed up.

I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”

STORK FUN – Funny Jokes

February 15, 2008

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. “Dont worry, son. Your mother will come back. Shes only bringing people babies and making them happy.” The next night, its fathers turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying “Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now hes bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.” A few days later, the storks parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the frantic parents ask him where hes been all night. The baby stork says, “Nowhere. Just scaring the shit out of college students!”

RABBIT AND SNAKE RACE – Funny Jokes

February 15, 2008

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection.

They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth.

The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity.

He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.

The rabbit declared that he had the same problem.

Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.

After a few moments, he announced, “Youve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!”

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake.

After feeling about the snakes body for a few minutes, he asserted,

“Well, youre scaly, youre slimy, youve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and youve got a forked tongue.

I think youre a lawyer!”

BAD SNACK – Funny Jokes

February 15, 2008

Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia.

Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him.

The startled front tiger turned and said, “Cut it out.”

The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.

About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, “I said stop it.”

The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.

Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue.

The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily growling, “What is it with you?”

The rear tiger replied, “Im sorry — I really didnt mean to offend you.

But I just ate a lawyer and Im trying to get the taste out of my mouth!”

LAWYER ON VACATION – Funny Jokes

February 15, 2008

Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters?

He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help.

As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins — great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer.

To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore.

When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat.

The lawyer answered,

“Professional courtesy.”

BEST JOB AT THE CIRCUS – Funny Jokes

February 15, 2008

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up.

One is a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, “Im not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.

He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or youre history.

Heres your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “Ill go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lions cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles.

He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owners mouth is on the floor.

He says, “Ive never seen a display like that in my life.”

He then turns to the young man and asks, “Can you top that?”

The young man replies. “No problem, just get that lion the hell out of the way.”

TALKING DOG – Funny Jokes

February 15, 2008

This guy sees a sign in front of a house “Talking Dog for Sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. “You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies. “So, whats your story?”

The mutt looks up and says “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders.

No one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasnt getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.

So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.

Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now Im just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says “Ten bucks.”

The guy says hell buy him but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?”

“I KNOW,” SAYS the owner replies, “but hes such a fucking liar.”

UNLUCKY PARROT – Funny Jokes

February 15, 2008

A lady who was very lonesome bought a parrot from a pet store, complete with cage.

Before purchasing it she got a guarantee that the parrot would talk.

She took the parrot home. In a week and a half she returned to the store very disappointed.

“The parrot doesnt talk.”

“Did you buy a mirror?”

“No.”

“Every parrot needs a mirror.”

So she bought a mirror and installed it in the parrots cage.

Another week and a half went by and she returned.

“The parrot still doesnt talk.”

“Did you buy a ladder?”

“No.”

“Every parrot needs a ladder.” So she bought a ladder and installed it in the cage.

Another week and a half passed and she returned.

“The parrot still doesnt talk.”

“Did you buy a swing?”

“No.”

“Every parrot needs a swing. “So she bought a swing and installed it in the cage.

A week and a half later she returned. She was furious!

The storeowner asked, “Did the parrot talk?”

“No! He died.”

“Oh, thats terrible. Did he say anything before he died?”

“Yes.”

“What?”

“He gasped “Dont they have any food down at that store?”"

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