Bad cuckoo clock – Funny Jokes

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!!

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!”

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall stared up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed….3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos… (MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him “Midnight.”

He didn’t seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, “I think we need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked him why?, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh shit!”, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

3 PARROTS – Funny Jokes

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars. Why does the parrot cost so much asks the man. The shop owner says, well, the parrot knows how to use a computer.
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, What can it do? To which the shop owner replies, to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!

Cat On A Roof – Funny Jokes

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up.

The brother hesitated, and then said, “I’m so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died.”

The man was very upset and yelled, “You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn’t come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.”

The brother thought about it and apologized.

“So how’s Mom?” asked the man.

“She’s on the roof and won’t come down.”

Grizzly Bear Warning – Funny Jokes

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin…”Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper.”

Cows In Government – Funny Jokes

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a

barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The

government gives you as much milk they think you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who get the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Dinosaur theory – Funny Jokes

OK, let’s consider the physical evidence.

The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year.

Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth’s surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway.

The Rabbit and The Bear – Funny Jokes

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isn’t right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other he’ll give them both three wishes.

The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet.

The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again – poof – all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazement. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself.

It is time for the bear’s final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn’t waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female.

Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, “I wish that that bear is gay.”

THE NEW STORK – Funny Jokes

A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’

The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

‘You got Male!’

The Dog Walk – Funny Jokes

A little girl asked her Mom, ‘Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?’ Mom replies, ‘No, because she is in heat.’

‘What’s that mean?’ asked the child.

‘Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.’

The little girl goes to the garage and says, ‘Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.’

Dad said, ‘Bring Belle over here.’ He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said ‘OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.’

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, ‘Where’s Belle?’

The little girl said, ‘She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.’

Deer Meat Eaters – Funny Jokes

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and His wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, “it’s what mommy calls me sometimes”.

The little girl screams to her brother, “Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole”.

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