UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT – Funny Jokes

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

TWO WOMEN MEET IN HEAVEN – Funny Jokes

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! Im Kelly. How’d you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became soexhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer we’d both still be alive.

BEST JOB AT THE CIRCUS – Funny Jokes

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up.

One is a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, “Im not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.

He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or youre history.

Heres your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “Ill go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lions cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles.

He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owners mouth is on the floor.

He says, “Ive never seen a display like that in my life.”

He then turns to the young man and asks, “Can you top that?”

The young man replies. “No problem, just get that lion the hell out of the way.”

Thermometer – Funny Jokes

When you have a ‘I Hate My Job’ day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

‘Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized ‘.

Now, close your eyes and repeat to yourself, ‘I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.’

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!

ADAM AND EVE -Funny Jokes

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students… here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was

‘DON’T!’

‘Don’t what? ‘ Adam replied.

‘Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.’ God said.

‘Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve we have forbidden fruit! ‘

‘ No Way! ‘

‘Yes way! ‘

‘Do NOT eat the fruit! ‘ said God.

‘Why?’

‘Because I am your Father and I said so! ‘

God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked !

‘Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit? God asked.

‘Uh huh,’ Adam replied.

‘Then why did you?’ said the Father.

‘I don’t know,’ said Eve.

‘She started it! ‘ Adam said

‘Did not!’

‘Did too!’

‘DID NOT! ‘

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

MEN STRIKE BACK – Funny Jokes

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows

Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me…”

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

How do you fix a woman’s watch?

You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can’t shut up long enough to

Build up the required pressure.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won’t do what she’s told

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.

It’s called a Wedding Cake.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

Women will never be equal to men

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

SIGNS OF THE TIMES – Funny Jokes

Over a Gynecologist’s Office:

“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist’s office:

“Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:

“Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels”

On a Proctologist’s door:

“To expedite your visit please back in.”

On a Plumber’s truck:

“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck:

“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber!”

On a Church’s Billboard:

“7 days without God makes one weak.”

At a Tire Shop:

“Invite us to your next blowout.”

At a Towing company:

“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

On an Electrician’s truck:

“Let us remove your shorts!”

In a Nonsmoking Area:

“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate

action.”

On a Maternity Room door:

“Push. Push. Push.”

At an Optometrist’s Office:

“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Taxidermist’s window:

“We really know our stuff.”

On a Fence:

“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!”

At a Car Dealership:

“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:

“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:

“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:

“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

(However, if you don’t, you will be.”)

In a Restaurant window:

“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station:

“Thank heaven for little grills.”

At a Radiator Shop:

“Best place in town to take a leak.”

NEW 911 CALLS – Funny Jokes

BELIEVE it or not , These are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.

Dispatcher : Excuse me?

Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?

Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is……….

Dispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I

think I’m going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police

QUICKIE – Funny Jokes

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks if he is ready to order, “What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame from top to bottom and then answers, “A quickie.”

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?”

Again the man thoroughly looks her over answers, “A quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over.She reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers to the customer, “Um, Pal. I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”

ONE DAY WHEN I’M RETIRED MAYBE I’LL DO THIS – Funny Jokes

“I’m a retired person, and some days I have some free time, soooo…

“Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about five minutes; when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

“I went up to him and said, ‘Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’

“He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.

“He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a bonehead.

“He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

“This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

“Personally, I didn’t care. “I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired. It’s important at my age. I never did find out whose car that was.

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