YOU MAY LIVE IN CANADA – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about ‘Canucks’

-If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Canada.

-If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Canada.

-If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada.

-If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Canada.

-If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada.

-If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada.

-If you have switched from “Heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada

-If you can drive 90 kms/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada.

-If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Canada.

-If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Canada.

-If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada.

-If the speed limit on the highway is 80km and you’re going 90 but everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada.

-If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada.

-If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Canada

-If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Canada.

-If you find 2 degrees “a little chilly”, you may live in Canada.

-if you spend more money for a snowmobile than you do for a car, you may live in Canada.

Men are like – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free, here’s an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders. You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials. You can’t believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

9 TERMS WOMEN USE – Funny Jokes

February 27, 2008

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in something.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says “Thanks a lot” – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome” – - – that will bring on a “whatever”).

(8) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying “You’ll find out how I truly feel”!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

CAUGHT SLEEPING ON THE JOB – Funny Jokes

February 9, 2008

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping On The Job

15. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

14. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about at the last time management course you sent me to.”

13. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”

12. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

11. “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”

10. “I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance”

9. “Actually I’m doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.”

7. “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

6. “The coffee machine is broken….”

5. Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”

4. “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”

3. “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”

2. “I wasn’t sleeping; I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.”

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

“Amen”

CORPORATE SPEAK TRANSLATED – Funny Jokes

February 8, 2008

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We dont pay enough to expect that youll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
Youll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED:
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON:
If youre old, fat or ugly youll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
Weve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: Youll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
Youre walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
Youll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

IM EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: Ive used Microsoft Office.

IM HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:

I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you dont ask me about all the McJobs Ive had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.

IM PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers.

IM EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE:
Ive changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO:
Im never at my desk.

WHEN EMPLOYEES ARE SUPERANNUATED – Funny Jokes

February 8, 2008

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old mechanics never die, they just retire.
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chainmail never die; they just shuffle off their metal coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old ministers never die; they just get put out to pastor.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old owls never die, they just don’t give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old professors never die, they just lose their class.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….
Old printers never die, they’re just not the type.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy..
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
Walt Disney didn’t die. He’s in suspended animation.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

STOCK MARKET PUNS – Funny Jokes

February 8, 2008

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

WHAT NEVER TO SAY TO THE BOSS – Funny Jokes

February 8, 2008

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5 PM and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.

2. If it’s really a “rush job,” run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That greatly increases my efficiency.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4.My arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, so thank you for not opening the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors like this is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which the priority is. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If you like the job I did, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate

TERMINATIONS – Funny Jokes

February 8, 2008

Lawyers are disbarred.

Ministers are defrocked.

Electricians are delighted.

Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.

Drunks are distilled.

Alpine climbers are dismounted.

Piano tuners are unstrung.

Orchestra leaders are disbanded.

Artists’ models are deposed.

Cooks are deranged.

Dressmakers are unbiased.

Nudists are redressed.

Office clerks are defiled.

Mediums are dispirited.

Programmers are decoded.

Accountants are not accounted for

Collection agents are discredited

Holy people are disgraced.

Pastry chefs are deserted.

Perfume makers are dissented.

Butterfly collectors are debugged.

Students are degraded.

Electricians are refused.

Bodybuilders are rebuffed.

Underwear models are debriefed

Painters are discoloured.

Spinsters are dismissed.

Judges are disappointed.

Vegas dealers are discarded.

Mathematicians are discounted.

Tree surgeons disembark.

CORPORATE QUOTES – Funny Jokes

February 8, 2008

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; FD at Microsoft Corporation )

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (LL Shipping)

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, IIS Development team)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, MMMM Corp.)

My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of D Computers)

Quote from the boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Mktg. executive, C Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,”That would be better for me.” (Shipping Executive, Florists Delivery)

We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (Telephone Co.- Lone Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying, ňúThis is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above. (MS Legal Affairs Division)

One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New Business Mgr., H Cards)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director’s office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for “perverts” (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (TB Corporation)

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